


All Sinners A Future, All Saints A Past

by BlackUnicorn



Series: A Symphony Of War [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers Tower, B.A.R.F. | Binarily Augmented Retro Framing, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes and the 21st Century, Bucky Barnes deserves nice things, But He Pretends To Be, But No One Sees It, Canon-Typical Violence, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Comfort, Crying, Depressed Steve Rogers, Did I Mention Angst?, Gay Bucky Barnes, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Hurt, Hydra (Marvel), Lots of Crying, M/M, Memories, Mental Breakdown, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Nightmares, Not Canon Compliant, POV Alternating, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, S.H.I.E.L.D., Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Steve Is A Liitle Shit, Steve Is Nice Things, Steve Rogers Needs Help, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Stucky - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Being Tony, True Love, because I'm weak, but he wants to help, except Bucky, steve is Not Okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-15 22:20:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 37,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13622679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackUnicorn/pseuds/BlackUnicorn
Summary: Steve Rogers was dead. He had died the moment Bucky had fallen off the train but Captain America had lived on and not even a plane crash and 70 years of cold and ice could change that, leaving him stranded in a new century. A new world. But it was fine. It really was. As long as he didn't let himself think. Or sleep.And then, one day, Bucky came back.





	1. Will You Keep Fighting When I’m Gone?

_The rattling sound of the train was the only thing in his head. The mild vibrations, lulling him, cold air rushing over his body. He managed to look up just in time to see Bucky, shield in his hand, walk towards the man in the metal suit. He wanted to shout out, wanted to warn him but no sound left his mouth. In slow – motion, he watched the blaster go off, watched Bucky raise the shield and - »Bucky! «._

_Bucky was hanging on the outside of the train, close, so close._

_»Hang on! Grab my hand! «_

_He was reaching out, reaching further and further, while the wind was tearing at his body, trying to drag him out of the train. A squeak, a loud crack. The world had stopped turning and Bucky was falling, falling, falling…_

With a gasp, Captain America sat upright in his bed. One glance at the alarm clock told him that it was 3.30 a.m., time to get up then. It was a familiar routine by now, after three months in this new century, this new world, gym, breakfast, 21st century 101, lunch, gym, dinner, gym, 3 to 4 hours of sleep, repeat. He hadn’t left the S.H.I.E.L.D. facility again after that first time right when he had woken up. There was no need. He had a room here, plenty of food and no desire to see what he had lost during the seventy years he had spent in the ice. It was too much. It was something he couldn’t think about because once he started, he didn’t think he could stop but as long as he kept himself busy he was okay. He really was. And it wasn’t like there was nothing to do, quite the contrary, he had so much to catch up on, technology, history, politics, culture, he sometimes didn’t know where to start.

_Crack._

Another punching bad went flying through the air and the Captain sighed. That had been the third one this week and it was only Tuesday.

»Trouble sleeping? «, the by now familiar voice was Nick Fury asked. Captain America didn’t bother to turn around, simply hung up another bag and continued boxing.

»I slept for seventy years, sir. I think I’ve had my fill. «, it was a bad lie and he had no doubt that Fury could see right through it but he didn’t mention it, instead he stepped further into the room. »Then you should be out, celebrating, seeing the world. «, he said and the blonde almost snorted. Almost.

»I went under, the world was at war, I wake up, they say we won. They didn’t say what we lost. « _What I lost…_

»We’ve made some mistakes along the way, « the director admitted, »Some very recently. «

It was actually quite funny how the world had changed but this…this would always be the same. People in power making a mess and then expecting others to clean it up for them.

»You here with a mission, sir? «, the Captain asked because what else would Fury be here for? And he wasn’t disappointed. »Trying to get me back in the world? «

»Trying to save it. «

The mission, as it turned out, was the Tesseract. The very same Tesseract that the Red Skull had used to win the war. Or tried to use anyway. The Captain just wished people would stop using technology they didn’t understand; it always ended bad.

»Is there anything you can tell us about the Tesseract that we ought to know? «, Fury asked and Steve just couldn’t help himself, »You should have left it in the ocean. «

Obviously, he accepted the mission; anything to take his mind of things these days, and as it turned out, he was even more popular now than he had been seventy years ago. There was Captain America merchandise, for fuck’s sake. And Coulson. The Captain figured he should have been used to fans fawning over him except he hadn’t had that during the war and now...now he wasn’t sure anymore how to handle it. Natasha Romanov was easier. She was tough, a bit like Peg – _nope –_ and the way she had looked at him when he had called her ‘ma’am’ had been priceless. But despite that, he really wasn’t sure if he liked her. Or trusted her. Now that he thought about, really thought about it, the same could be said for everyone he had met so far. Everyone was nice enough. Some people looked at him with awe and couldn’t get a word out, others were congratulating him on his victories, everyone treated him with respect. They all saw Captain America and they loved him. The Captain hated it.

The future was odd, nothing like he had imagined when he’d been younger. Nothing like the Stark Expo – _no!_ – people were unexpectedly rude, clothes were odd, there was color television, portable phones, the _Internet_ , and now apparently there were also flying ships. _Holy cow, Bucky would have– NO!_

* * *

 

Steve Rogers was a hard man to read and coming from Natasha that was saying a lot. He seemed so…unfazed. She tried to imagine falling asleep and waking up seventy years in the future. Not a thought she wanted to pursue any further, but this man…he didn’t seem to care all that much. He was quiet, yes, his face was hard and when he spoke it was obvious that his vocabulary was a bit outdated, he stayed away from the technology and his eyes had nearly fallen out of his head when the Helicarrier had set off but apart from that…stoic calmness. He was a good fighter, too. His moves were smooth but Natasha was sure that he could be even better, given the time and the training.

_This is actually kind of familiar,_ the Captain had said. That was probably true. He had, after all, spent over a year fighting a war and when it came down to it, every war was in some way the same. 

* * *

 

_So…this is the great Captain America_ , Tony thought, _a pretentious, self – righteous, oh – so – noble excuse for a superhero._ He still remembered every word Howard had used to say about him, _good man, Captain America,_ he had gushed, _brave Captain America._ Tony had hated it.

_Captain America would be disappointed in you._ And now here he was, and Captain America was disappointed in him. _Great!_

»I know guys with none of that worth ten of you, «, the Captain spat at Tony really wanted to laugh. Or cry. But mostly laugh.

»You're a lab rat, Rogers. «, he countered, » Everything special about you came out of a bottle! «. It was a bit of a low blow but what the hell… _I’m Tony fucking Stark._ And then all hell broke loose.  

* * *

 

Captain America was angry. _Scratch that_. Captain America was pissed.

It really was always the same. He had thought he had left HYDRA behind when he had flown the Valkyrie into the ocean, evidently, he’d been wrong. And what’s worse, this was S.H.I.E.L.D. using HYDRA weapons. Peggy’s heritage. _Don’t think of that,_ he reminded himself once again.

It was hard to do anything if you had to interrupt your own thoughts every other minute because they went places they shouldn’t go, so he tried to actively avoid thinking all together. He wasn’t a soldier, soldiers followed orders, except he’d never been that kind of man. He had always been someone to disobey, do what he thought was right, stand up and push back. But no one seemed to know that. What people knew was that he was Captain America and therefore he was a role model beyond compare, everyone wanted to be like him. Virtuous, strong, polite and heroic. It was actually quite easy. All he had to do was not think and that went hand in hand with what he had planned on anyway so really, it was a win – win situation.

_Wow, if Bucky could – GODDAMMIT NO!_  

* * *

 

There was a press conference.

Steve Rogers AKA Captain America was back from the dead and Steve…Steve sill showed little to no signs of distress which was…distressing. However, Natasha did think that she had picked up on a few of the man’s tells. His smile was a little too bright to be natural, his shoulders were tense, his answers reserved. And he never spoke of the past. Ever.

»Mr. Rogers, how does it feel to wake up in such an unfamiliar environment? «, one of the journalists asked.

»Unfamiliar, ma’am. «, Steve answered and there were a few chuckled from the audience, »I went under the ice in 1945 and woke up in 2011, I was shocked but I think I’m handling things as good as can be expected. «

Another reporter, a short man with thick glasses stood up, »Do you miss the old days? «

»Some of it, other things not so much. The prices nowadays are insane. «, more laugher.

»What about your old friends? Your comrades from the army? «

»Most of them got to live a long and fulfilling live. It’s nice to hear that they were happy. « _And there’s another thing_ , Natasha mused, _no straight answers._

»Do you intend to stay Captain America? «

»It seems like the world could use a few heroes right now, if I can be part of that, I’d be honored. «

And on and on it went. Not a rude word left the Captains lips. He just kept on smiling. 

* * *

 

Tony was not one to admit defeat easily. Or mistakes. But in this case, he had to say, at least to himself in the solitude of his workshop, that he might have been wrong. Maybe.

Steve Rogers wasn’t what he had thought he was. There was something more to him, something that didn’t meet the eye and that, he was pretty sure, the Capsicle didn’t want anyone to see. Nevertheless, Tony saw it. Or at least he thought so. Little glimpsed here and there, shining through the blinding image of Captain America. Tony just wasn’t sure what it was quiet yet.


	2. Dead Eyes See No Future

Warmth. Warmth and Light.

The man opened his eyes, disorientated, scared. There were two guards at the door, two at each side of him, six guards in total, machine gun ready at hand, two handguns per guard, at least one knife. The man was manhandled out of the chamber and sat down on a chair. He knew that chair. The chair meant pain. But he knew better than to struggle, if he struggled he was punished. He lay back and heard the machine being turned on while heavy steps came closer and a female voice began to recite, »Жела́ние. Pжавый. Cемнадцать. Pассвет. Печь. Девять. Добосердерчный. Bозвращение на ро́дину. Oдин. Грузовой вагон. Доброе утро, Солдат. «

»Я готов отвечать. «, the Soldier replied while the doctor checked his vitals. He gave a short nod and the Soldier sat up to face his handler.

»Good morning, Soldier. «, the Soldier stayed quiet, it was not necessary for him to speak. »I have a mission for you, Theresa Hamil, ambassador of the United States. Tomorrow at 0900 her plane will land in Jerusalem, she will be escorted to her hotel, room 101. You have three days to neutralize her, no witnesses, no unnecessary attention. Do you accept the mission? «

»Yes. «

»Get him ready. «, the woman ordered and two of his guards stepped closer to take him out of the chair.

 

It was a lowkey mission, hence he was only accompanied by two guards. He didn’t know their names. He didn’t need to know them. They were new, nervous, the Soldier could see one of them throwing him nervous glances, while the other tried not to look at him at all.

The Soldier did not require sleep, he used the first 24 hours to shadow the target, always accompanied by one of his handlers. They didn’t trust him.

The target’s daily routine was predictable, she was at all times accompanied by her bodyguard and showed no signs of worry about her environment. She did not seem to anticipate any kind of violent action against her person. The mission was easy. His two guards fought the bodyguard of the target while the Soldier stabbed her into her abdomen, waiting patiently while she bled out and covering her mouth to muffle the screams, he took her purse and a second later he had vanished into the shadows of the nights.

 

»Well done, Soldier, « his handler said from where she was sitting a few feet away from him. The Soldier did not acknowledge the woman’s words, he had finished his mission, nothing more and nothing less. He was debriefed, undressed, washed and brought back to the chamber where he would stay until the next mission.


	3. Somebody Told Me You Were Doing Ok (Somehow, I Guess They Were Wrong)

»This morning, the dead body of ambassador Theresa Hamil and her bodyguard has been found in Jerusalem, two days before her meeting with the Foreign Affairs Minister Liebermann to discuss the weapons agreement between the United Nations and Isreal. Although all evidence indicates a robbery, investigations are still ongoing and further negotiations between the two countries have been delayed until further notice. This incident is a great throwback for the relationship between - «,

Captain America shut off the TV, leaving his living room in deafening silence. He was in between missions for S.H.I.E.L.D. which left him with not much to do. He had already thoroughly cleaned his apartment twice this week, read five books and watched all the movies of Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.

Moving to D.C. after the battle of New York had been a good decision but it didn’t help with his main problem. Time. He had too much time. New York was filled with ghosts of his past, waiting on every corner, haunting him, teasing him. He couldn’t take it. Hence, the change of scenery. He had never been to Washington D.C. before and it felt good to be somewhere new for a change. Like a fresh start. Except there was nothing fresh. He didn’t sleep much, was still woken up by nightmares every night, still couldn’t allow himself to _think_. Peggy was a great help. The fact that his old friend lived in a retirement home here in D.C. had been one of the reasons why the Captain had wanted to move here, so he could visit her from time to time. It never failed to break his heart.

A year had passed since he had come out of the ice but still he felt like a stranger in this time. Like he didn’t belong here. There was an invisible wall separating him from the rest, he could see them and hear them but he wasn’t one of them. It made the Captain long for home.

»Hey Peggy, «, he greeted the now elderly woman who smiled brightly. It was one of her better days.

»Steve! Took you a damn while to come back here. «, she chided but there was fondness in her eyes and Steve had to laugh, »I’m sorry, I was on a mission for S.H.I.E.L.D., only came back a few days ago. How’re you holding up? «

»You’re asking me? Steve, I’m old, I’m not holding up anything anymore, but you…you seem so…sad. «

»I’m fine. «, Steve muttered, not meeting her eyes.

»Don’t you lie to me, Steve Rogers. «, Peggy said firmly and for one incredible second, Steve saw his mum lying there in front of him, worn out by tuberculosis. He bit down on his lower lip, trying to hold back the tears. It wasn’t fair. None of the was fair.

»’m sorry, Peg. I guess I just…I miss it. All of it. «, it was as close to a confession as he could allow himself to get. He couldn’t talk about it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. But here, by Peggy’s side, he was Steve. Steve Rogers, not Captain America. He was a person and not just a symbol and it made him feel human. Something he hardly felt these days.

»I know you do, sweetie, but you gotta let go. You can’t go on living in the past. «, it wasn’t the first time she’d told him that and Steve had never corrected her. The thing was…he wasn’t living in the past. He wasn’t living at all.»Go out there, find yourself a nice girl. Or a fella. Have some fun and goddammit enjoy this century ‘cause let me tell you it’s a lot a lot better than the last. «

With a sad smile and tears in his eyes, Steve left the retirement home and himself with it. He went back to being Captain America, the superhero of the nation.  

* * *

 

Natasha was at Stark Tower like always when she wasn’t working for S.H.I.E.L.D. All the Avengers spent their time there. Or almost all of them. Thor was back in Asgard and only showed himself sporadically; and then there was Steve. Steve who had come to visit two, maybe three times, during the last year and was otherwise cooped up in his apartment in D.C.; Natasha knew, she had checked.

»I’m bored. «, Tony whined from where he was sitting on the couch. Pepper had forbidden him to work in his lab today and now the older man behaved like a five – year – old; Natasha did his best to ignore him. »I feel like we should have a party. We haven’t had a party in ages. «

»If by ages, you mean two days ago, then yes, we haven’t had a party in ages. «, Clint muttered.

»Oh right there was that…«, Tony hummed, »But – every time is a good time for a party, so we’re having a party. Tomorrow. «

Natasha rolled her eyes but kept quiet.

»Romanov. «

»What, Tony? «

»You’re in charge of Captain Hermit, make sure he comes. «

»Tony, I don’t think Steve wants to go to your party. «

»Slender! «, the billionaire exclaimed, »Everyone wants to come to my parties! « and with those words he jumped to his feet and hurried out of the room, presumably to make preparations. Natasha sighed inwardly. Stark had a point insofar that Steve definitely should get out more often especially since he didn’t seem to have many friends outside of S.H.I.E.L.D. or the Avengers. During the past year, she and Steve had gone on a few missions together and gotten to know each other a little bit better. Her first impression had been right; a kind man that valued politeness, loyal by default and stupidly selfless…and something more. Something lurking underneath that Natasha couldn’t quite see. Anyway, she was certain about one thing, Captain Steve Rogers, was, above all, lonely and Natasha felt obligated to change that. 

* * *

 

Tony was pleased to see Steve walk through the doors at exactly 8 p.m., dressed in a way too tight white shirt that did absolutely nothing to hide all those muscles, sleeves rolled up, showing off toned skin and _forearms (!)._ If Tony hadn’t been so madly in love with Pepper, he would have totally tapped that ass. As it were though, Steve was now surrounded by three gorgeous women, all batting their eyelashes and letting out high – pitched laughs at whatever it was Steve was saying while the man himself seemed completely oblivious to the attention. Or maybe he didn’t care. It was a real shame, Tony found, and he couldn’t just stand by and do nothing.

»Oh Captain, my Captain! «, he cried out as he approached the blonde Adonis and his swooning audience, »Ladies, could I borrow him for a second? «, he flashed his most brilliant smile at the women who started giggling which Tony took as a ‘yes’.

»What do you want Tony? «, Steve asked, slightly confused.

»Let me give you some advice…I know, I know, you’re from the 40s and things went differently back then but my dear _god_ , you’ve _got_ to get laid! «, Steve stopped short and stared at him with wide eyes, »Oh I’m sorry, did that make you uncomfortable? «

»Why would you – Why should I - «, Steve stuttered before shaking his head, »Tony, I don’t want to get laid. Not everything’s about sex. «. In every other situation, Tony would have had a ball because _seriously_? Hearing Captain America talk about sex? That’s right up there in his top ten of Must – Dos – Before – I – Die, but – _but_ …

»You’re not a virgin, are you? «, Tony asked half joking, half deadly serious, »Please tell me you’re not a virgin, cause that…that’s just…«

»I don’t see how that is any of your business? «, Steve asked, his cheeks glowing pink in the dim light of the Tower.

»Omg! You totally are! «, _oh this is great!_ Except Steve didn’t seem to think so, judging by the expression on his face.

»I don’t have to listen to this. «, he muttered before turning around and stalking away. _This is gonna be so much fun._

* * *

 

_You’re not a virgin, are you?_

_I love you, Stevie._

_Please tell me you’re not a virgin._

_I love you so fucking much._

_Omg! You totally are!_

_I love you too, Bucky._

_CRACK!_

Panting heavily, Steve realized with horror that he had no idea where exactly he was in the tower except that it was dark and silent and that his fist was buried in the wall. He pulled back, staring at the hole he left behind; the hole stared back, judging him.

»Steve. «, a soft voice came out of the shadows, followed by a beautiful woman with flaming red hair. If Natasha was shocked by his violence, she didn’t show it, in fact, she didn’t show anything, her face a perfect mask of calmness. Steve was slightly jealous of that.

»Sorry, «, he said and stepped back further, »I’m fine. «.Natasha didn’t even dignify his words with a reply but simply raised an eyebrow, obviously unimpressed, »It’s nothing. Tony was just being stupid. «

»What did he say? «, her tone was neutral, making it impossible to make out her thoughts.

»Nothing that’s worth repeating. I lost my temper, that’s all. «, Steve became increasingly uncomfortable with this whole situation and all he wanted to do was leave.

»Come with me, «, Natasha commanded and walked past him, obviously expecting him to follow.

»Where are we going? «

»You’ll see. «, he hated it when she did that, being all mysterious and vague but at least he had time to win his composure back, get into his role again.

»Seriously Natasha, I’m fine. «, Captain America tried once more.

»You are not fine. You are so very far from fine you two are not even in the same galaxy anymore. «, ignoring her jab, the Captain instead asked the probably most pressing question on his mind, »What do you want from me? «

»I want you to be able to trust me. I’m trying to be your friend. «, Natasha stopped and turned around in one smooth movement, causing the Captain to nearly run into her. Her face was a little bit more open now even though he expected it to be deliberate; there was concern in her eyes but also annoyance, her lips pressed together into a thin line. The thing with Natasha was, that she was more than a little ambiguous and as much as Steve would have liked to, he wasn’t sure if he could, in fact, trust her. Or rather if he should. Natasha Romanov was a grey zone in a world of black and white and Captain America had no idea how to deal with that.  

* * *

 

After watching Steve storm off from the party, it really shouldn’t have been such big surprise to see him punch a wall. There was something different about this Steve, something less controlled, something desperate and overly emotional and for the first time, Natasha realized that she had never actually met Steve Rogers, always just Captain America. Two sides of the same coin that was hardly ever flipped these days. Seeing the transformation back into the patriotic mask was something she probably wouldn’t forget that easily.

»What do you want from me? «, that was the Captain’s voice, determined and demanding respect and obedience.

»I want you to be able to trust me. I’m trying to be your friend. «, Natasha turned around to look at the man and now that she had seen the other side, she cursed herself for having missed it all this time. The lost expression he’d get every time he thought no one was watching, the carefully composed face, the deliberately chosen words. It was an act, a good one, but still. Natasha knew a thing or two about acting, pretending – perks of being a spy – and she knew that it wasn’t always easy. The difference between her and Steve was, though, that she had been trained to be the way she was now from an early age on, she didn’t know anything else, but Steve…Steve had once been a happy person who had worn his heart on his sleeve, standing up for what he genuinely believed in with people he had cared about and that had cared about him. The image of Captain America had come much, much later and as good as Steve might be filling out the role, it was only a matter of time until he would collapse under the weight. It was already happening. »Listen to me, Steve, I know we don’t have much in common except S.H.I.E.L.D work and I’m not pretending to know what it is you’re going through. But I do know what it feels like to have your entire world turned upside down. When Clint came to put an arrow through my head but decided to bring me in instead it was like someone had pulled a rag from under my feet. I had lost everything I had known. I didn’t know who I could trust, so I trusted no one and if it wasn’t for Clint and Phil…I don’t know what I might have done. What I’m saying is, you have to start talking at some point. Let someone in. You have friends here Steve. And if you don’t feel comfortable talking to us, find someone else, but do it. And do it soon ‘cause you’re not gonna go much longer if you keep this up. «, she knew they were hard words. But then again, Natasha had never been one to sugar coat stuff, she just told it how it was. It was a sign of just how exhausted Steve must have been that he didn’t even try to argue. All he did was give her a sharp nod before getting up and leaving the room without another word. 

* * *

 

It wasn’t until the next morning, Tony was nursing a huge hangover from the night before, that he noticed the hole in the wall, just outside his lab and only because Bruce had asked about it.

»Hey JARVIS, «, he called out, his eyes trained on the piece of missing wallpaper, »What happened to my wall? «

»Captain Rogers drove his fist through it, sir. He seemed rather upset. «

_What?_

»What? «

»Miss Romanov might have further information for you, seeing as she was the one who found him. «

Suppressing a groan, Tony made his way to the common floor. It was way too early for this shit and his head was killing him.

»Natasha, what happened to my wall? «, he asked as a way to greet the red – head.

»Good morning to you too, Tony. «, she replied without looking up from the book she was reading, »And maybe you should ask Steve. «

»Well Rogers isn’t here, so I’m asking you. «

»What happened to your wall? «, Clint asked quickly from where he was lounging on the sofa.

»Apparently, Captain Impulse Control picked a fight with it last night and won. «

»Why would Cap punch a wall? «

»Yes, Tony, why would he do that? «, Natasha inquired, finally setting her book down and looking at him in a way that suggested that she already knew the answer to her question.

»Why are you all looking at me? I didn’t do anything. «, Tony tried to defend himself but before he had even finished talking Clint had started laughing, »Stark, the day you don’t do anything, will be the day I’ll lay down my bow forever. « - _traitor._

»Okay, «, Tony conceded, »I might have teased him a bit. But that is in no way any excuse to punch my wall! «

»Well, what did you say? «, Clint asked further, sitting leaned forward, his arms resting on his knees, attention fully focused on Tony.

»He was being awkward with the ladies so I asked him if he was a virgin. «, Tony explained because, yes, that was a completely reasonable conclusion, except both Clint and Natasha seemed to disagree with him on that. »What? «

»Well, first of all, you should be glad that it was the wall and not your face he punched for asking that question, «, Clint started off, »And secondly…has it ever occurred to you that he might not _want_ any lady at the moment? For him, 1945 was last year. We all talk about the Second World War like it’s history ‘cause for us it is but he’s actually lived through that shit. While everyone got their lives back together and moved on, he was trapped in the ice and now he has to deal with all that _and_ people expecting him to act like everything’s fine. He lost his girlfriend, his best friend, his comrades, everything he knows one year ago…I honestly have no idea how he keeps it together most days and…shit I mean…the dude’s – what? 26? 27? I think we’re all forgetting how young he is sometimes. «

Tony stares at the archer a little wide – eyed, _huh…I hadn’t thought of that,_ he had to admit, »Fair point. But I still think he overreacted. My wall didn’t do anything to him. «


	4. Burning Bridges Inside My Mind

The Winter Soldier waited. He was good at waiting.

From afar he could hear noises; the familiar sounds of guns, the screeching of metal on metal, the clangor of broken glass, people screaming for help. A melody of chaos.

But he kept waiting.

The black SUV rounded the corner, countless bullet holes, the windshield barely holding together but still protecting the target. Calmly, the Soldier stepped onto the street. Waiting. The car approached fast and the target hadn’t seen him yet. The Soldier raised his launcher aimed at the car and shot. 

 

His target was here. The Soldier did not have visual contact but the target was here. The building before him, sitting on a chair in the corner, covered by shadows. So he waited. The light went on, a blonde man walked into his field of vision – the Soldier hesitated. This man was not his mission. This man – this man – the light went out and the Soldier prepared for his kill; three shots straight through the wall.

He should leave – he should – the blonde man was looking at him and for just the spilt of a second their eyes met – and the Soldier left. Ran. His ears picked up the thunder of heavy feet on the ground, following him, windows shattering, doors breaking down. A calculated jump onto the next roof top. Another body landing behind him and the sound of – something – soaring through the air. The Soldier turned, extending his arm for whatever the man had thrown at him. It was a shield. A shield with a star. The Soldier flung it back at his pursuer and jumped of the building.  

 

A new mission. Two targets, level six. The blond man from the apartment. Finding them hadn’t been easy and they were not alone.

He had four hours left.

One of the men in the car, he threw out into the oncoming traffic before ripping out the steering wheel. He watched as his two targets and the third man fell out of the car onto the street; easy targets. One of his assistants handed him a grenade launcher, he saw the blonde man raising his shield, protecting the woman while he was flung back, down from the bridge.The woman ran and Soldier followed. Slowly. There was no rush. She had nowhere to go.

A bullet hit his goggles. »Она у меня. Найди его.«, he ordered before jumping off the bridge himself.

He was passed by civilians, screaming, crying, he let them They were not part of his mission.

»…Taking fire above and below expressway. Civilians threatened. Repeat, civilians threatened. «, that was the woman’s voice, coming from behind one of the cars.

The soldier rolled a bomb into her direction and watched the ball of fire rise towards the sky – something was wrong.

The Soldier registered movement behind him but before he was able to turn around, a foot connected with his hand, kicking away his gun and his target landed on his back. He threw her off and picked up his gun again but she must have been quicker. His arm – his metal arm – spasmed under the electrocution and he watched her run away once more.

He had three and half hours left.

The Solder peeled off the device on his arm, his fingers disobeying his orders. Anger. He was feeling anger towards this woman. He didn’t have a clear shot; not one that would kill her but he pulled the trigger anyway, watching her stumble. His target was cowering behind a car and he got ready for his kill when the blonde man showed up, running towards him, shield in his hand; he charged. The man was a good fighter; efficient and fast but the Soldier had been trained all his life for moments like this. He got the shield, his target was half kneeling on the floor before he looked up, giving the Asset the chance to see his face for the first time and – he hesitated. There was something – _something_ – his target moved and the Solder threw the shield at him. He missed. Drawing out a knife he began to attack his target who fought back and fought back good. His metal arm was around the man’s throat and it would have been easy to kill him. So easy but there was something…he shoved him backwards, charged again – and then the blonde man gripped his face, hand on his mask, and threw him through the air.

»Bucky? « _Who the hell is Bucky?_

Something…

_Two targets, Level Six…I want confirmed death in ten hours._

Something…

_This man is my mission._

He hesitated – and was hit by a pair of heavy boots, kicking him out of the way. It was a matter of seconds for him to get back on his feet but _something_ – something wasn’t right.

_Bucky?_

He thought he smelled faint traces of paint and paper, felt the ghost of a touch on his face. Gentle. Caring.

_Who the hell is Bucky?_

He pulled out a gun and shot. 

 

The Winter Soldier did not fail missions. Until now. He was back at the facility while one of the doctors fixed his arm and normally he would pay rapid attention to what they were doing, but this wasn’t usually.

_Bucky?_

The feeling of warmth. Not physical but…something else. Something inside him.

_»Sergeant Barnes…«_

He could see the face of a man long dead hovering over him, smiling.

_A train. Mountains. Snow. The blonde man with the shield shouting a name. Bucky._

_He was cold. So, so cold._

_»The procedure has already started. «_

_»You are to be the new fist of HYDRA. «_

Anger. Fear. Pain.

_Bucky?_

He lashed out.

Within seconds, every weapon in the room was trained on him and he knew he would be punished. He always was when he acted out. His handler came in, gesturing for the guards to lower their guns.

»Mission report. «. It was an order. It was the same order he always got afterwards. He didn’t reply.

_Bucky?_

_Who the hell is Bucky?_

»Mission report, now. «

_Blonde hair, glistening like gold in the warm sunlight. Blue eyes laughing at him._

_SLAP_

He shouldn’t say it. He shouldn’t. If he said it they would take it away from him. But…but what if…

»The man on the bridge…«, _Bucky?,_ »Who was he? «

»You met him earlier this week on another assignment. «, his handler answered, his face lacking all emotions, his voice steady and sure. He was telling the truth but…

»I knew him. «

»Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century and I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning we're gonna give it a push. But, if you don't do your part, I can't do mine, and HYDRA can't give the world the freedom it deserves. «. Empty words that held no meaning for the Soldier – the man – _Bucky?_

»But I knew him. «

»Prep him. «, his handler commanded and the Asset knew what would happen. Had known it was going to happen all along.

»He’s been out of cryo – freeze for too long. «

»Then wipe him and start over. «

_Bucky?_

He had to hold on.

_Bucky?_

If he could just hold on…keep this memory.

_Bucky?_

Just this one. 

 

The Winter Soldier sat on the chair. He felt slightly dizzy which was new. There was something he thought he had to remember but he didn’t know what and didn’t matter. His handler would tell him everything he needed to know.There was one target. One mission.

He knew what his target had planned, there was nothing he had to do except wait for the man to come to him.

»People are gonna die, Buck. I can’t let that happen. «, there was something about this man that seemed…off…but the Soldier ignored it. Ignored the words that meant nothing to him. »Please don’t make me do this. «, he looked…pained? The Soldier didn’t understand why his target would be in pain, pleading with him…like he seemed to know him. Still, the Asset didn’t respond, didn’t move, and his target’s demeanor changed. His face grew hard, his eyes determined, and he charged. It was a predictable move, easy to block. The shadow of a memory pushed through the Soldier’s mind, as if he had fought this man before. The movements seeming familiar but at the same time…weak. Defending rather than attacking. The Soldier wasn’t even sure how it happened, one moment he was having the upper hand, a knife buried deep in his target’s shoulder while he reached for the chip, and in the next, the man had him pinned down on the glass, demanding him to drop the chip. He didn’t. He had a mission.

_Crack._

Pain shot through his entire body but he still held on. He couldn’t breathe.

_Bucky?_

His mission had him in a tight grip, cutting off his air supply.

_Bucky?_

Dark spots dancing before his eyes.

_Bucky?_

 

He must have blacked out. His target his gone when he opened his eyes again, climbing back towards the targeting system. His shoulder was dislocated but his metal arm still felt fully functional, he had a clear shot. Why couldn’t he kill him?

_Bucky?_

_Who the hell is Bucky?_

He watched the man sack down on the floor. He was the mission. He had to die. He had to – the Asset knew the chip was locked in without having to see it. He saw the two other Helicarriers go down in flames while theirs began to fall into itself and - »Argh! «, he cried out when a huge piece of metal landed on top of him. They were falling, falling down rapidly and there was no way he way going to survive this and there was the blonde man, climbing down to him to – what? What was he going to do? The Soldier was not easily surprised but…he’s pretty sure his targets had never freed him from underneath a pile of debris

.»You know me, «, the man persisted.

_Bucky?_

»No, I don’t! «, the Asset cried out, punching the man with his metal arm but there was no real force behind it. He was…tired? Exhausted?

»Bucky. «, there it was again…that… _name_. »You’ve known me your whole life. «. _Anger_. »Your name, is James Buchanan Barnes - «

»Shut up! «

Confusion. The Asset raised his head, panting heavily. His arm hurt with every move he made and he just wanted to rest. He couldn’t rest. He had a mission. He had – his – the man had taken off the mask and…and…that _face_.

»I’m not gonna fight you. «, it sounded like defeat and it should have been easy, now that the blonde wasn’t fight back anymore. It should have been easy. »You’re my friend. «.

_Lier._

»You’re my mission. «, he growled and punched down on his his face again ( _Bucky?)_ and again ( _James Buchanan Barnes)_ and again ( _You’re my friend.)_. He couldn’t do it.

»Then finish it. «, the man muttered, his eyes half closed, »Because I’m with you till the end of the line. «


	5. A Halo Of Blood

_The rattling sound of the train was the only thing in his head. The mild vibrations, lulling him, cold air rushing over his body. He managed to look up just in time to see Bucky, shield in his hand, walk towards the man in the metal suit. He wanted to shout out, wanted to warn him but no sound left his mouth. In slow – motion, he watched the blaster go off, watched Bucky raise the shield and - »Bucky! «._

_Bucky was hanging on the outside of the train, close, so close._

_»Hang on! Grab my hand! «_

_He was reaching out, reaching further and further, while the wind was tearing at his body, trying to drag him out of the train. A squeak, a loud crack. The world had stopped turning and Bucky was falling, falling, falling…_

 »Bucky! «, with a gasp, Steve sat upright in his bed, his chest heaving while he tried to get himself under control again. The nightmares were back, they had never really left but ever since D.C…

»Steve? «, Sam’s familiar frame entered the room, cautiously, trying not to startle him.

»I’m okay, Sam. «, Steve muttered. It was a lie and Sam knew it.

»You’ve got to start talking about this shit, man. When was the last time you actually slept more than a couple of hours? «

Instead of answering, Steve just sighed. After everything that had happened, he had moved into the Stark Tower and Sam had offered to stay with him, at least for the beginning. Steve couldn’t believe that it had only been a week. He had been released from the hospital fairly quickly, due to his super – human healing but that didn’t mean that the wounds weren’t still there because they were. Fresh and painful. Just invisible.

He listened as Sam walked back to his room. He was grateful that his friend was here, he was…but it was also strange. Sam had been his first real friend in this foreign century, helping Steve wherever he could and Steve…Steve felt guilty. He felt guilty because he had been afraid that if he let Sam in, he might forget about Bucky, he felt guilty because he had dragged Sam into the middle of a battlefield and Sam had followed him without questions. Just like Bucky had. Just like all the other Commandos had.

With another sigh, Steve stood up, he wouldn’t get any more sleep tonight anyway, and instead opened the drawer with his sketch book. Three years. Steve had been back for three years but not once had he picked up a pencil since then. He couldn’t. He had been too afraid of what might come to live if he did and even now he could feel the tremor in his hands at the mere thought of drawing something.

_Maybe Sam’s right,_ he thought, _maybe I should start talking to someone._

* * *

For a bunch of spies and geniuses, Sam though, the Avengers were pretty blind. It had taken him a full of ten minutes with Steve to see beyond the mask of Captain America and find a young war veteran thrown back into civilization and very obviously not coping. How anyone could think Steve was doing fine was a mystery to Sam and under different circumstances he might have laughed, except it kind of really wasn’t funny. At all.

He had spent a week with Steve now and every night without exception, he woke up to the screams of the Super Soldier, gasping for air, crying out for people long dead. And Barnes. Always Barnes. It didn’t take a lot to see the guilt that was eating him up and now that Barnes was evidently still alive…well…it didn’t exactly make things easier.  

* * *

 

He had left him behind. The blonde man calling him Bucky. James Buchanan Barnes. He could have killed him – should have – but for some reason he hadn’t.

_I know him._

It was…confusing? The man was pretty sure that was the right word for what he was feeling. Confusion.

The city had been in chaos and dismay, making it easy for him to slip through the cracks and making his way back to the vault. The HYDRA facility. He hadn’t even known why except that it had felt like the place to go and when he had gotten there, he had found the place empty. Abandoned in a hurry. It had taken one look, just one look, at the chair to make the anger come back. It had been a familiar feeling and the man hadn’t questioned it. Half an hour later, he had left the vault in ruins, only taken what he had deemed necessary or potentially helpful. A change of clothes, a backpack, water and food, a selection of weapons, and his files.

The calendar said that that had been seven days ago.

He had gone to D.C., to the apartment where he had shot the man with the eye patch, the blonde man’s apartment. It had held no new information except that the blonde man was called Steven Grand Rogers, known as Captain America. There had been something about those names that had lit a spark in the man’s brain and he once again he had thought he remembered a smell. A smell that made him feel calm and safe.

The calendar said that that had been five days ago.

The man had gone to the museum. An exhibition on Captain America. He had read about a small boy from Brooklyn and his childhood friend James Barnes. Bucky.

_Who the hell is Bucky?_

The fallen war hero had looked just like him, younger and without the countless scars but undeniably him.

That had been three days ago.

Now, the man – _James_ – was going through the file he had taken from HYDRA. The file of the Winter Soldier. His file. It contained a list with all the missions he had been sent on, all the countries he had been held and without really meaning to, a plan had formed in James’ head and tomorrow he would be on his way to England. 

* * *

 

Natasha stood in the remains of an old bank vault, looking around. There was nothing left except the smell of fire and chemicals. A thorough job for sure.

»Looks like someone was faster than us, «, Sam commented while stepping next to her.

»You think? «, she couldn’t help herself, »Come on, we should leave before we get company. «

They went back to the car and Natasha could practically hear her companion thinking, once she was behind the wheel, she fixed Sam with a pointed look, silently demanding him to talk.

»You think it was him? «, Sam asked, »Barnes? «

»Maybe. Maybe not. «, Natasha answered carefully. She had a pretty good idea about what had happened but it was far too early to voice those thoughts, so she didn’t. »But whoever it was…Steve shouldn’t get his hopes up. «S

am nodded, »I agree. «, it wasn’t often that they did see eye – to – eye on a matter but apparently Steve was one of the exceptions.  

* * *

 

Steve was back in his apartment. He hadn’t told anybody where he would go but he was sure that, once Natasha noticed his absence, it would only take her a couple of minutes to find him. Everything looked exactly like he had left it. The three holes in the wall, the blood stains on the floor, the dirty dishes in the sink.

And yet…something was…different.

Steve couldn’t really put his finger on it except that there was something in the air, something that told him someone had been here.

He didn’t want to, his friends had told him over and over again not to get his hopes up, but he couldn’t help it…the thought of Bucky coming back here, lost and confused…in a way, it was worse than when he had thought Bucky was dead. Steve gulped audibly and got out his laptop to plug in the USB drive Natasha had given him, the one with HYDRA’s files on the Winter Soldier. He was hoping that he might find something – anything – that could help them find his best friend. A clue as to where Bucky might have gone after dragging him out of the Potomac.

_Why had he done that?_

It was a question that still haunted him, filled him with hopes and dreams but also sadness. His phone started ringing and Steve’s first instinct was to ignore it except that it was Natasha and she would just keep calling so he picked up with a sigh, »I’m fine, «, he said as soon as he had raised the phone to his ear.

»No, you’re not. «, Natasha told him, »Did you find something in the files? «

Steve wasn’t even going to ask how she had known that but instead squinted at the screen in front of him, »Maybe. There’s a list of locations where they used him. Might be a start…«

»Text me those locations and keep looking. Sam and I got this. «

Steve wanted to protest, wanted to demand to be included in this search but before he could say a word, Natasha had already hung up and…she had a point. Probably. He was compromised; personally involved in this mission, which meant he couldn’t stay objective and…he trusted them. Sam and Natasha. After all they had done for him he couldn’t not trust them and if they said they had this covered than he believed them. Still…Steve wished there was something more he could do.  

* * *

 

The first point on their list was England. A small town at the west coast, secluded from views. The perfect hide out for a secret organization except…except once again, someone had found it before them. It was pretty much the same picture as the vault in D.C., completely destroyed with no evidence whatsoever what might have happened. Well, except for the bodies. There were five of them, heavily charred and burned beyond recognition but Sam could still make out the holes in their foreheads as they lay next to each other on the ashes of the building.

And it went on like that.

After England, there was France, Italy, Romania, Bulgaria, Turkey, Egypt, Somalia, India, China, Russia, Russia, Russia…Sam had lost count of the number of places they had went to, always too late, always finding smoking ruins and dead bodies. By now, he was pretty sure that it was the Winter Soldier they were chasing, James Barnes. Sam couldn’t say that he was overly fond of the man but then again, he had never actually met the real Barnes. Steve’s friend. And the Captain seemed to trust him which was good enough for Sam at least for now. 

* * *

 

_A smile. A fond smile with sparkling eyes. Laugher, deep and wholehearted._

_»Jerk. «_

_»Punk. «_

_»Language. «_

_The ghost of a touch and the feeling of warmth radiating through him._

_Fear._

_Anger._

_Falling._

_Falling._

_Falling._

James woke up with a start. He hadn’t planned on falling asleep but it seemed like his body was now forcefully taking the things it needed whether he liked or not. It was 5 a.m…time to keep moving. He knew that he was being followed. He also knew that they were friends of Steve. What he didn’t know was what their intentions were. Did they want to capture him? Bring him in? Kill him? Should he let them?

_No. Not yet._

He still had a mission. It wasn’t like before when his handlers had told him what to do but a mission he had chosen on his own. Destroy HYDRA. He didn’t really care about what happened to him after that. He just had to complete the mission.  

* * *

 

If Natasha was being honest with herself, which she usually was, she had to admit that there was no doubt left that it was Barnes who was tearing down HYDRA piece by piece. And it bothered her, it really did. _I should be better than this,_ she thought after leaving the umpteen ruin in the middle of Russia, _I should be able to stay ahead of him._ But somehow, she couldn’t.

There was only one place left on the list. Siberia. They all agreed that that was place where it had all begun. Where Sergeant Barnes had been turned into the Winter Soldier and they were running out of time. Once Barnes was finished with his destruction spree, he was free to go anywhere and they had no means left to find him unless he wanted to be found.

They landed the Quinjet in the snow just out of view of the HYDRA base but Natasha already knew that they were too late. She could see footsteps disturbing the otherwise perfect surface of the ground and everything was quiet. Too quiet. They went in nevertheless.

The inside was dark and cold, the air moist and filled with the smell of blood. Soundlessly, they began their descendance into the depth of the mountains, eyes and ears fixed on any movement, any kind of noise. There was nothing. The first body lay by the foot of the stairs, carelessly dropped to the floor, a pool of blood building underneath. The others followed quickly. It wasn’t the precise work they had seen before; these kills were filled with emotions. Rage, hate and sorrow. A man out of control.

Said man was now currently standing in the middle of a big room, completely still, arms dropped to the sides and – Natasha almost let out a row of curses when she saw the other man. Steve. The blonde was standing between the Soldier and them, equally still like he was scared to startle his long – lost friend, shield lying uselessly on the floor. The Winter Soldier held what looked like a chain or a necklace in his metal hand and from what Natasha could see, he was unarmed.

»I knew would come. «, Barnes said and Natasha was a little bit surprised by his voice; she had expected it to be scratchy, out of use, but it wasn’t. It was smooth and gentle, the words rolling easily off his tongue. Slowly, the Soldier turned out, showing no surprise when he saw Natasha and Sam standing behind Steve, but his eyes were fixed on the blonde, a sad smile on his face and eyes that looked like they had seen too much of the world. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a black shirt under a dark red hoodie, his dark hair hanging down on his shoulders. He looked horrible. »You’ve always been a stubborn idiot. «, he added, the ghost of a smirk pulling on his lips.

»Bucky? «, Steve’s voice was barely a whisper, his hands shaking ever so slightly.

»Hey Stevie. «

And then Steve broke down, knees giving way and hitting the hard ground and Natasha could see that Barnes was fighting with himself to step forward and touch him but one look at her made sure he didn’t. Her gun was trained on his chest, while she gestured to Sam with her other hand to take care of the Captain and she made sure that the Winter Soldier was secured and brought to the Quinjet.


	6. There’s A Story In Your Eyes

It had been a rash decision. He had known that they would never catch Bucky if they kept following him so he had gone ahead and decided to wait for him. Stealing the Quinjet had been easy but once he had arrived in Siberia, he had realized that he had had no idea where to go from there.

_Should I talk to him? What if he doesn’t recognize me?_

As it had turned out, Bucky had already been waiting for him. It was a little piece of hope that Steve now clung to like a lifeline.

_You’ve always been a stubborn idiot._

Bucky was kept in the Hulk Chamber for now even though Steve found that a little bit exaggerated since the brunette had made no attempts whatsoever to break out. He just sat there, staring into nothingness.

»I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s a good idea, «, Bruce had told him after Steve had demanded to speak to Bucky, »Not until we know more about his conditioning. You can watch of course but you can’t talk to him in person. «

So here he was, staring at the screen in front of him with the rest of the team, while Bruce had gone in to talk to Bucky.

»Hello, I’m Doctor Bruce Banner. «, he introduced himself, keeping a safe distance from the assassin.

»You’re a friend of Steve. «, it wasn’t a question but Bruce nodded nonetheless.

»I am, «, he answered, »James. Is it okay if I call you James? « Bucky shrugged. »Do you know where you are? «

»Stark Tower. New York City. «

»And do you know what year it is? «

»2015. «

»Good. Now…I need you to tell me what you remember. Anything at all, no matter how small or insignificant it might seem. «

Bucky moved his head and looked at Bruce for the first time since he had entered the room, a frown on his face, »I remember - «, he hesitated, »There was a war. I remember being scared. «

»Why were you scared, James? «

»I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave but I had to. I also remember being angry. Really angry. But I don’t know why. «

»That’s okay. Just, try to concentrate on what’s there. «, Bruce encouraged him.

»I remember Steve. He was my friend. He always did stupid things. « _Oh god,_ at this rate, Steve was going to start crying in front of his team. Bucky looked so…lost. It broke his heart.

»Very good. James, I want you to write down your memories, okay? Anything that comes to mind. Images, feelings, dreams. I want you to write it down, can you do that? «

Bucky nodded slowly, like he wasn’t sure about his answer but he stayed quiet and Bruce handed him a notebook and a pen which Bucky accepted without a word. When Bruce rejoined the team, he looked slightly more relaxed than he had before going in and Steve let out a breath which he hadn’t even noticed he’d been holding.

»I think he’ll be alright. «, the doctor announced, »Of course it’s hard to say how much of his memory will recover but this is already better than I had expected. It’s been a bit over six months since he has escaped HYDRA and he already shows signs of healing. We should run a few tests, also I think we should make sure that the metal arm doesn’t have some kind of failsafe or trackers although if that was the case, they would have activated them by now. «

»When can I talk to him? «, Steve asked almost desperately.

»Give him time, Steve. He is extremely confused and he’s hurting. He said he remembers you but we should see how much he actually remembers before we draw any conclusions. «, there was a finality to Bruce’s words that told Steve it was useless to argue so he just gave a sharp nod and turned back to the screen where Bucky was now scribbling into the notebook, long hair falling into his face. He was still beautiful.  

* * *

 

Tony knew he was being inappropriate but _come on that arm is some really sweet piece of tech._ He was dying to get his fingers on it, have a good close look because _say what you will_ , _but HYDRA definitely knew what they were doing._ It made Tony feel itchy and a bit disappointed that he hadn’t come up with something like this first but whatever…you couldn’t have everything.

For days they all watched Barnes in his room (Steve had forbidden them to call it a cell), writing down his memories, barely sleeping and forcing down the occasional meal. The first time they had watched him throw up a perfectly fine burger, it had taken three people to keep Steve from storming in there, while Bruce checked on his patient. As it turned out, nourishment wasn’t exactly on the list of things the Soldier had needed. Neither was sleep. Whenever he did fall asleep it usually only took a few hours until he woke up again, screaming and sobbing, wild eyes scanning his surroundings for any kind of threat. Tony hated to admit it but watching Barnes like this, it hurt. Although, he guessed, that it didn’t hurt him nearly as much as it hurt Steve. The Captain hadn’t left the records room once, day and night he stayed exactly where he was, sitting in a very hard, very uncomfortable chair, eyes fixed on the monitor. It was more than unhealthy if Tony could say so himself. It was miserable to watch and Tony was just about done.

It was watching the daily drama that was Captain America pining after his metal friend and a combination of good whisky and no sleep, that Tony eventually came up with B.A.R.F. It was a prototype, sure, but then again so had his suit been once upon a time so he wasn’t really worried, he just hoped that it would also work on brainwashed, enhanced, HYDRA ex – assassins with more issues than China had citizens. It was worth a try. 

* * *

 

»You are not trying that thing on Bucky! «, Steve called out after Tony had introduced his newest invention. Sam couldn’t really blame him; even though he had only just met the billionaire, he could already tell that Tony Stark wasn’t one for health and safety and a pair of glasses that could rewrite your memories? That sounded exactly like something that was very far from healthy or safe.

»Come on, Cap, you haven’t even seen what it can do! «

»I don’t need to see what it can do! You are not giving that to Bucky. Don’t you think he’s had enough tempering with his mind? «, there was that too, of course. Sam could see how this B.A.R.F. thing might become an issue

.»Ah but see, there’s the difference! «, Tony pointed out, »What HYDRA did was memory suppression. B.A.R.F. only does what you want it to do and if you don’t want to do anything that’s fine too. You chose the memory you revisit and you chose the things you want to change and it’s not like you actually change your memory…you just experience it in a new way that is less traumatic. Besides, seeing some of his memories might trigger new ones. «.

Stave was silent for a long moment, his eyes darting from Tony to the screen where they could currently see Bucky lying on his back and staring at the ceiling and eventually settling on Sam.

»Don’t look at me, «, he quickly said, »I’m still new to all of this although if you were asking me, purely hypothetically, I’d say, maybe let him decide? «, he pointed at the screen, while looking at Steve who turned back to Tony, »Are you sure it’s safe? «

»As safe it can be. «, Tony replied with a wide grin, obviously sensing victory. »You can try it if you want. «

Steve took a deep breath, his eyes closed, like he was trying to collect himself, »I’m gonna talk to him. «, he announced and then he was out of the door and in the elevator. 

* * *

 

_Steven Grand Rogers_

_Stevie_

_Bucky ?_

_Brooklyn_

_Sarah ?_

_Burgers and milkshakes_

_Bloody knuckles and bruises_

_Punk_

_Jerk_

_Commandos_

_War_

_Italy_

_A train_

_Cold_

_Falling_

_I’m with you till the end of the line._

James heard the elevator move long before the sound of the doors sliding open and frowned; it was outside of their schedule and Banner had always stuck to that so far. As soon as he heard the steps though he knew that it wasn’t the doctor.

»Hey Steve. «, he muttered without looking at the blonde.

»Hey. «, Steve’s voice sounded strangled. Filled with emotions that James couldn’t name. »How are you feeling? «

»Like some rare animal in the fucking zoo. «, James answered and Steve chuckled. It was a nice sound. »Sorry about that. «

»Not your fault. «, he might not remember everything but he was pretty sure that Steve was already doing more than he deserved.

»Listen…«, the blonde started, now sounding slightly nervous and James sat up to look at him. »Tony has an idea how to help you with your memories. It’s – uhm – it’s called B.A.R.F. and basically you can reexperience your memories with it and…change them…in a way…if you want. «, Steve stumbled over the words, »I know what it sounds like, «, he quickly added, »But I trust Tony and he would never intentionally create something that could harm you but…it’s your choice. «

James considered the other man for a moment, taking in his appearance. There were dark circles under his eyes and his skin was ashen. He looked like a man that hadn’t slept in days. James reached for the notebook Banner had given him, filled with fragments of memories, names and feelings and held it out to Steve who took it with a light frown, »Whatever it takes to get them back. « 

* * *

 

It took Steve a moment to realize where he was.

Dark clouds were hanging low in a grey sky, dead leaves covered the hard ground and he was surrounded by gravestones.

_Mum’s funeral._

He wasn’t sure when he had made the decision to go back to that particular memory but it also didn’t really matter because here he was and like every time he thought back to his ma, Steve could feel a lump building in his throat. 

_Sarah Rogers_ _1900 – 1936_

_Loving daughter, wife and mother_  

Steve watched himself, his small self, as he stood in front of the freshly dug grave. It was a strange sight. Steve had nearly forgotten how he had looked like, how small he had actually been. He looked so fragile while he practically drowned in his clothes that were easily four sizes too big. Steve couldn’t see his face but he still remembered how he had felt; empty and alone.

»I’m sorry, mum. «, his past – self whispered. Back then he hadn’t had the words to express what he had wanted to say but now…now he did. »I’m sorry for always getting into trouble and making you worry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you, make you better. I love you, mum. And I miss you. I really do. «

A hand landed on his shoulder and Steve saw Bucky, his Bucky, dressed in a nice suit, hair slicked back neatly, standing behind scrawny little Stevie while he pulled him in for a tight hug and Steve let him. The scene faded with little Steve standing in Bucky’s arms, his head tucked under Bucky’s chin and he, Steve as he was now, could feel hot tears rolling down his cheeks. Even after all this time, his mother’s death was still something he wasn’t completely over. 

* * *

 

Everyone knew that Steve Rogers used to be little but no one ever stopped to think _how_ little he had been. Now that Tony had seen it with his own two eyes…well it was something else, alright. The whole team was there, watching Steve through the glass panel while the memory faded and Tony was pretty sure that those were tears on the Captain’s face but he sure wasn’t going to mention it.

»I remember that. «, Tony’s head whipped around towards Barnes who stared at Steve with wide eyes, »After we got home, the landlord told us we’d have to leave ‘cause we were late with the rent and the bills. Gave Steve an asthma attack. «.

There was something strange about hearing him talk about the past like it was yesterday, or maybe that was because Steve had never talked about it. Up until now, Tony hadn’t even known Steve had been so young when his mum had died. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t really know anything about Steve.

The Captain stepped out of the B.A.R.F. room, his face a perfect mask of neutrality, while Barnes went inside. Tony could see the nervousness in the brunette and he started to feel a bit sorry for the man.

»Alright now, you just try to find a memory, any memory, and if it’s just bits and pieces, and you concentrate on that. The headset’s going to project the image onto the room. If you wanna stop, just think of something else or take off the headset. «, he instructed the ex – assassin who nodded even though he eyed the piece of technology with a certain amount of mistrust.

»Buck, are you sure you wanna do this with us here? «, Steve quickly cut in before Barnes could do anything else and the brunette turned around, his face serious, »Something might happen. I don’t wanna hurt anyone else and…no offence but…we both know you wouldn’t really stop me if I did. «.

Tony frowned, not quite understanding what that meant but Steve seemed to understand perfectly, at least judging by the deep blush and weak nod he gave. Barnes sat down on the chair in the middle of the room, put on the head set, closed his eyes and then the room began to change…


	7. Who Went To Hell And Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A word of warning since there are mentions of torture in this chapter.
> 
> Also, I just want to say how much I love Sebastian Stan and hearing him say that no one cares breaks my fucking heart because he's such a sweet, loving person who derserves to be happy...

It took Sam about ten seconds and an audible gasp from Steve to guess what memory James was showing them.

A group of men standing on top of a mountain covered in ice and snow and there was James, his hair short and both arms intact, smiling at Steve in a way that was heartwarming and sweet and intimate. And then there was Steve. It wasn’t like Steve never laughed, he did, but Sam had never seen anything like this. Steve seemed so…relaxed, so at ease with everything and his smile radiated like the sun while he looked at James. It was heartbreaking.

They landed on the train and Sam was mesmerized by the grace in the Sergeant’s movements and wondered how nobody had ever seen that he had changed into something more than human even then. They went in. James always behind Steve, covering his back and the two moved around each other like they were one person, communicating with raised eyebrows and subtle nods and then everything went wrong. As far as Sam knew, Steve had never told the entire story of how James had fallen and Sam could understand it now because this was so much worse than anything he could have imagines.

»I had him on the ropes. «

»I know you did. «

A heavily armed suit entered the wagon and Steve shoved his friend out of the way, only to be thrown against the wall. Sam could see a mixture of panic and anger flashing through James’ face while he picked up the shield that Steve had dropped and approached the suit. A long beeping noise came from one of the weapons and another blast went off. James raised the shield and was thrown back, out through the hole in the wall. He managed to grab a handle and hold on to it desperately trying not to fall.

»Hang on! Grab my hand! «, Steve was leaning out of the train, almost falling himself, his hand reaching out but it wasn’t enough and then the handle ripped off and James fell, screaming.

Sam dared to throw a side glance at Steve who stood frozen in the half – dark of the room, eyes wide with terror while he, too, relived the undoubtfully worst day of his live.

The memory faded into black but James didn’t take off the headset and soon enough they saw a sequence of images flashing up before vanishing again as if James was sliding in and out of consciousness. There was the Sergeant lying in the snow, shivering, blood pouring from his left side where his arm should have been.

Someone dragging him through the cold.

Faceless people hovering over him.

Voices speaking in languages Sam didn’t speak.

Barnes lying on an operation table, screaming while a group of doctors were taking off the rest of his arm.

Barnes waking up and raising his hands, both his hands and realizing that one of them was made of metal before choking one of the doctors to death.

Barnes sitting in a cell, still wearing his uniform and staring grimly at the opposite wall.

A man entered the cell but James didn’t look up, not even when the man stopped directly in front of him, »What are you? «, the man asked, his accent think.

»Screw you. «, James spat out, earning himself a slap in the face. The man turned around and they heard him give orders to the guards outside who then came in to take James who fought back but was eventually knocked out by a hit on the head. They saw James standing in the middle of a room, hands tied up above his head, feet tied to the ground, naked. They watched him being beaten within an inch to his life, electrocuted and threatened but whatever it was they wanted, James didn’t give it to them.

»I said, «, he rasped out, »Screw. You. « And the whole affair began anew. Again and again, the man would come into James cell and ask him what he was and again and again, Barnes would refuse to answer and was then dragged off to the torture chamber.

»A nation in mourning, «, they saw James waking up to the sound of a radio standing right next to his bunk, »Yesterday we received the shocking news that Captain America fell in a heroic act of saving New York City. «, as soon as the words had left the reporter’s mouth, James sat upright on the bunk, staring at the radio in disbelieve, »- drove a plain into the ocean which was New York bound to save his country from certain tragedy. Howard Stark, a personal friend of the Captain has already started a search party to recover the Captain’s body. «, there was bit of a rustle and then a new voice spoke and judging by the way Tony tensed up next to him, it was his father speaking, »I can promise you that I will not rest until I’ve brought Captain America home. The sacrifice he made for this country shall not be forgotten and he will forever be our hero. «, by now, James was shivering uncontrollably, shaking his head in denial, »NonononononoNO! «, the radio crashed against the wall and went silent.

»No one will come for you, «, the man who still didn’t seem to have a name whispered, his voice was soft almost sweet and he seemed to be enjoying himself, »Your dear Captain is dead, he cannot safe you anymore. «, he entered the cell, leaving the door wide open, obviously sure that James wouldn’t hurt him and he was right, the brunette sat on the bunk, tears streaming down his face and all the fight seemed to have left him, he seemed…broken. »Tell me, _Soldat_ , what are you? «

The brunette didn’t meet his gaze but rather dropped it to the jacket next to him. It was the same jacket he’d been wearing when he had fallen and now he picket it up and reached inside. Sam frowned, wondering what exactly he was doing because it couldn’t be a weapon. HYDRA would have taken that from him. It was a pin. A small, golden pin in form of a four – leave clover. Next to him, Steve made a sound that was something between a gasp and a sob. For a moment, James considered the pin, before letting it drop to the floor and finally looking up, his eyes red and empty and he just stared at the man for a very long time before answering, »The new fist of HYDRA. «

After that it was like watching snippets out of a horror movie. They saw James strapped to a chair, some kind of machine hanging over his face, screaming in agony; they saw his training, they saw him killing HYDRA agents when they weren’t careful enough; they saw him in cryo – freeze; they saw him on his first mission.

Sam was a bit shocked to see that some of the Winter Soldier’s missions were things he was familiar with. There was J. F. Kennedy, a bombing in London, a Senator floating in his swimming pool, a plane full of western politicians, crashing into the ocean. It seemed like James remembered some of his missions rather well, when it was sharp focus and details while others were blurry and sketchy, more like a dream than a memory. There was a scene of what Sam was pretty sure were Tony’s parents; more people that Sam had never heard of; the ambassador that had died not so long ago in Israel and then they were suddenly on top of a roof, watching James, watching a dark apartment and Sam knew that apartment but – the light was turned on and he saw Steve standing in his own living room. The light went off again and James got ready to shoot, three bullets straight through the wall. Next, it was James on top of a car and Jasper Sitwell was flying out of the window. It was a bit strange seeing something he had lived through from another perspective but at least he knew what was going to happen next. Or so he thought.

Sam had never actually considered the sheer force between two Super – Soldiers fighting, the violence, the elegancy. It was kind of beautiful in its own way and Sam found himself almost enjoying it but he knew that was only because he already knew the outcome. James’ mask came off and then Steve froze.

»Bucky? «

»Who the hell is Bucky? «

But there was hesitation in his movements. Not much, merely the split of a second but it had been enough for Sam to literally fly in and save Steve’s live and – Sam frowned, he had never noticed just how confused James had looked back then, how utterly lost.

They were at the vault, the vault before it had been burned to the ground and the Soldier sat on a chair while some HYDRA agent worked on his arm. Although his face was blank, it was clear in his eyes that he was thinking, remembering, emotions flashing through the empty blue and then he snapped.

Pierce was sitting in front of the Soldier demanding a mission report but the Soldier didn’t reply. Sam could see that everyone in that room was more than a little concerned and it filled him with a strange kind of satisfaction because that must have been the first time in over seventy years that the Winter Soldier had remembered who he used to be.

»The man on the bridge…Who was he? «, the Soldier asked, a deep crease between his eyes.

»You met him earlier this week on another assignment. «, Pierce answered but he didn’t sound nearly as smoothly as he could have been.

»I knew him. «

»Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century and I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning we're gonna give it a push. But, if you don't do your part, I can't do mine, and HYDRA can't give the world the freedom it deserves. «

»But I knew him. «, the Soldier insisted, a sad smile on his face like he knew exactly what was going to happen next and he probably did.

»Prep him. «

»He’s been out of cryo – freeze for too long. «

»Then wipe him and start over. «

The Soldier didn’t resist when they pushed him back onto the chair or when they put the machine over his head and if Sam never had to hear those screams again, it would be too soon. From the corner of his eye, he could see Steve silently crying.

The scene changed again. They were on the Helicarrier and Sam had wondered what had happened up there but he had never really dared to ask, now, he wasn’t so sure anymore if he really wanted to know.

»People are gonna die, Buck. I can’t let that happen. Please don’t make me do this. «, Steve was pleading. Sam had never seen Steve plead anyone for anything and apparently neither had the others if their frowns were anything to go by. The Winter Soldier though didn’t seem to care and instead just kept staring at Steve with a blank expression on his face and Steve threw his shield. Sam grew more and more confused the longer he watched the two Super Soldiers fight because this was so very different than before. Steve wasn’t really fighting, he was defending himself, buying himself time and distracting the Soldier to get to the targeting system while the Soldier was doing everything to prevent Steve from reaching it. Sam saw more than one occasion in which he could have killed Steve but chose not to and then the Helicarriers were going down and of course – _of fucking course_ – Steve had to help Bucky first before even trying to get himself to safety.

»You know me, «, Steve said and there was the pleading look again, his voice filled with pain.

»No, I don’t! «, , the Soldier yelled and lashed out with his metal fist, punching Steve in the face but the whole thing seemed uncoordinated and half – hearted and of course Steve didn’t give up but rather kept talking.

»I’m not gonna fight you. «, Steve dropped his shield and Sam would have very much liked to throttle him for being so careless but he also started to understand what James had meant before when he had said that Steve wouldn’t stop him. He’d been right, Steve probably wouldn’t. »You’re my friend. «, it sounded like defeat. Like Steve had given up.

»You’re my mission. «, the Soldier snarled back, battering his fist over and over into Steve’s face – until he stopped. His eyes were wide and he stared at the man underneath him like he was seeing a ghost and in a way, Sam supposed, he was.

»Then finish it. «, Steve slurred. Any other man would have been long dead from the punches alone.  »Because I’m with you till the end of the line. «. Something changed then, Sam wasn’t sure what it was but those words must have held a far deeper meaning than any HYDRA conditioning ever could because now it was James staring at Steve, not the Winter Soldier. And then Steve fell and Bucky jumped.


	8. Slowly But Surely

Someone had taken off the headset. James wasn’t quite sure who.

He sat on the chair, frozen in place and there was a soft voice talking to him but the words seemed far far away and he couldn’t understand them. A hand on his shoulder snapped him out of it and suddenly he had Steve pinned to the wall before him, metal hand wrapped tightly around the other man’s throat.

»It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m sorry. «, Steve gasped out and James stumbled backwards. His head was reeling and throbbing he felt like he might be sick again, he was aware of people watching him but for once the thought didn’t make him uncomfortable. It didn’t do anything.

»B – Bucky. «, Steve’s voice was gentle, cautious, like one might talk to a wild animal, »Bucky please look at me. «. James wasn’t sure why he did it but he turned his head towards the voice and looked directly into a pair of blue eyes, »You’re safe. Those were just memories, they can’t hurt you anymore, okay? Nobody’s gonna hurt you here, I won’t let that happen. «. James believed him. He was glad that Steve didn’t try to touch him again but he did stay close by and James was grateful for that too.

He remembered a little bit more about Steve now, knew that he was safe. Safe was good.  

* * *

 

Steve wasn’t even surprised when Bucky suddenly choked him, he should have known better than to just touch him but he had been completely unresponsive to everything he had tried and…well…he hadn’t really cared. He was just glad that the rest of the team hadn’t come barging in, weapons blazing; that would have just made everything so much worse.

»He’s gonna stay with me. «, Steve announced as soon as he was sure that Bucky had calmed down.

»Excuse me? «, Tony looked at him in bewilderment; Steve was still waiting for him to bring up his parents.

»Bucky. He’s gonna stay with me, on my floor. «

»Steve, you can’t - «, Natasha started but Steve cut her off, »No Natasha, _you_ can’t. You can’t keep him locked up like a prisoner or some kind of fascinating science experiment. He’s been both already and I won’t let you treat him any different than he deserves to be treated. Respectful and kind. «, he took a deep breath, »So either, Bucky is going to live on my floor of we’re both leaving. «, he decided before turning back around and leading Bucky towards the elevator, completely ignoring the stunned faces he was leaving behind. 

* * *

 

Tony had questions. Many questions in fact. Curiously, not one of them was about his parents. He had always had this suspicion in the back of his head that that accident hadn’t exactly been accidental and…well…it wasn’t like Barnes had had a say in it. You can’t blame a weapon for hurting people, no, you blame the person behind the weapon, in this case HYDRA.

Still. Tony had questions.

For example, what was the deal with that golden pin? Who had put out the hit on the President? Why had HYDRA never cut his hair? What was behind the technology in the arm? Why was Steve so damn suicidal? And what was it about that incredibly cheesy line that cut through seventy years of brain washing like a knife through warm butter?

_I’m with you till the end of the line._

Tony felt like he might get a diabetic shock just from the sweetness of it.

Tony looked around and saw the rest of the team in various stages of shock and he had to admit, he couldn’t blame them. What they had just witnessed went beyond any nightmares Tony might have had and he had a lot of those. Not that he would admit that out loud.

It was dinner time and almost everyone was assembled on the common floor, everyone except Barnes and Rogers. Tony had suggested to go and check up on them but had been met by four shaking heads and the assumption that ‘they might need some space’. Tony wasn’t having it. Taking his dinner down to his lab, he quickly told JARVIS to pull up the cameras on the Captain’s floor and saw Steve standing at the stove, cooking, while Barnes sat motionless at the table, his eyes following the Captain’s every move. It was kind of boring to watch but also fascination because, _hello?_ Super Soldier domesticity…Apparently, Steve had been making soup and was now placing a steaming bowl in front of Barnes who eyed it with slight suspicion but started eating after seeing Steve do the same.

»You don’t have to do this, you know. «, Barnes muttered after some time without as much as looking at Steve.

»I know, but I want to. «, Steve replied, making it sound like the most natural thing in the world.

»Why? «Steve dropped his spoon and turned his entire focus on the brunette, »Because you’re my friend. Because you deserve to get better. Because I’ve lost you before and I won’t let it happen again. «. Barnes, too, had stopped eating, »I’m not him. I – I remember you from before. I think. And I remember him. At least a bit. And I’m not that person anymore. «

»Yeah well, neither am I. «, Steve shrugged and they fell back into silence.

Tony felt a bit creepy for watching them, spying on them, technically, but whatever. He kept going and eventually Steve showed Barnes the guest room before going to his own bed and Tony fell asleep with his head on the desk.

When he woke up the next morning, he discovered that all the cameras on Steve’s floor had been disabled. 

* * *

 

After Steve had taken in James, Sam had gone back to D.C. After all, his life was there, his apartment, his job.

He made sure to talk to Steve almost every day and went back to New York on the weekends, taking Tony up on his offer of his own room in the Tower but he was also kind of glad to get a bit of a distance between himself and all the super hero business; it just wasn’t him.

From what Steve had told him, James was making progress. He had used B.A.R.F. a few more times, mostly filling in the gaps of his time with HYDRA but never going to the times before that and never showing the actual programming. He was doing okay, or so Steve said even though he hardly talked to anyone apart from his childhood friend.

Which was, why Sam had been even more surprised when he had come home one day after work to find one James Buchanan Barnes sitting in the dark of his kitchen.

»Did you break into apartment? «, he had asked redundantly.

»Wasn’t exactly difficult. Your locks are shit. «, James had answered, not even pretending to be sorry. Sam had shaken his head and gone to the fridge to get himself and his unexpected visitor a beer. Sam hadn’t asked why James had been there and James had offered no explanation, so they had simply sat in silence until the other man had gotten up and left but from that day on, James showed up every now and then and some days it was just like that first time but other days, they talked.

»I lied to Steve, «, James had told him once, »I said that I don’t really remember much from before the war, ‘s why I never go back to those times during the B.A.R.F. sessions. «

»But you do? «

»Yeah. Not everything but…enough. Enough to know that I’m not that person anymore and I don’t think I ever will be again. «

»Why don’t you tell him? «, he had asked, although he had been sure he already knew the answer. James had just shrugged and muttered, »I don’t know. «

»I think you do. «

James had left then, leaving the conversation unfinished but when he had come back a week later, he had picked it up again as if there had been no interruption, »I’m scared. «, the ex – assassin had admitted, »Steve’s denying it but I know he keeps hoping that I might go back to the way I was. I’m a different person now. «

»So is he. «, Sam had pointed out, taking a swig from his beer.

»Yeah I know. Steve…he used to be happy, I guess. Happier than he is now, anyway. He had this…big heart. Wore it on his sleeve like a torch lighting the way. He still got the same heart he just…keeps it more to himself I guess. «.

Sam liked listening to James talking about the past. There always was a fond expression in his eyes whenever he thought of Steve, little Steve before the serum. It made Sam smile. Tonight, James was there again and Sam didn’t even blink anymore, simply got the beer and settled onto his couch while James stayed on the kitchen chair.

»I remember, one year, I think it was ’28, I was 11, Steve was 10 and he got into another fight. Stupid punk never knew when to stay away. He was really beat up and I wasn’t there to help him but I found him, lying on the floor. He had an asthma attack and I was just a kid, didn’t really know what to do. I remember being so scared…I blamed myself for what happened. Somehow, I managed to get him through it but…I really thought he’d die right there in my arms. «

»He get into lot of fights? «, Sam asked, not quiet believing what he was hearing.

»Loads, «, James laughed, »I really don’t know who you people these days think he was but…Steve was like ninety pounds of pride and angry asthma. Zero impulse control whatsoever. Always got himself into trouble and I had to get him out of it. I swear, the guy was like a mad chihuahua. «. Sam couldn’t help it, he nearly choked on his beer at the mental image. »Seriously? We always thought he was this innocent, little kid. «

»Oh man…Steve was so far from innocent. I mean…he grew up in a rough neighborhood. You’re bound to toughen up. The apartment Steve and I lived in wasn’t exactly good either and then there was the army…no…Steve’s a little shit. Always has been. «

»He doesn’t show it. «

»He does…you just don’t know where to look. « and with that cryptic statement, he left and Sam had to agree with Steve, James was doing okay. 

* * *

 

_Bucky._

He was trying out the name in his head. So far everyone, except for Steve, called him James. And then there was Stark who kind of seemed to come up with another nickname every other day.

_Bucky._

It didn’t have the sour taste anymore, not the way it used to have in the beginning.

_Bucky._

Bucky had been living at the Tower for three months now. Nine months away from HYDRA. He still didn’t sleep a lot, but the nightmares seemed to become a little bit less and he still didn’t trust the others but he had stopped flinching at every noise. Despite Stark’s bravado, he never let Bucky out of his sight when he was in the room, as if he could turn into a bloodthirsty monster every second; Bruce watched him mostly with concern; Natasha with suspicion and Clint jumped every time Bucky so much as made a sudden movement. They were all wary of him. All except for Steve.

It had been hard at first.

Bucky couldn’t deal with touches while at the same time he wanted nothing more than to be held tight but he hadn’t known how to ask for that so it had started off small. A brush of legs when they were sitting together on the sofa. A gentle hand on the shoulder. A squeeze of the arm. Now, Bucky felt mostly comfortable and it had become a daily routine for him to be curled up on the sofa, his head in Steve’s lap while the blonde ran his fingers through Bucky’s hair. They were currently watching Doctor Who on Netflix, the final episode of the first season, Jack was just kissing the Doctor goodbye and Bucky tensed.

»What’s wrong? «, Steve asked, immediately stopping his hands, »Buck? «

»Can they do that? On television? «, he asked. The scene was long gone but Bucky didn’t pay any more attention to what was happening on the screen.

»Oh, yeah. «, Steve sounded like he was surprised by the question. Bucky wondered why. »It’s legal and everything. People can even get married. «

»Seriously? «

»Uh – hu. «, the hands started stroking again, »Do you – do you remember how it was before? «, he asked carefully and Bucky had to close his eyes for a moment. He felt bad for lying to Steve.

»A bit. «, he answered, »I know it wasn’t legal and I definitely know that marriage was out of the question. «

»That it was. «

The next day, Bucky found himself once again in Sam’s kitchen.

»I have these memories. From before. «, he began to explain, »Or I think I do. I’m not sure if they’re actual memories or just…wishful thinking. «, he thought back to the dreams he had. Little Steve, sweet Steve, walking towards him in nothing but an undershirt and tight boxers, kissing him. The feeling of soft lips on his skin, gentle hands all over his body. It felt real but… _why hasn’t Steve said anything?_

»Can you tell me what they’re about? «, Steve asked, bringing Bucky back to reality.

»Steve. «, he answered shortly.

»Can you ask him about it? «

»I’d rather not. «, if he was wrong, that would just be embarrassing.

»Well, «, Sam started, »as far as I understand, B.A.R.F. differentiates between dreams and actual memories…«, of course it did. Bucky had actually forgotten why he was so hesitant about looking at the memories from before the war except that he was _scared_. Of what exactly was unclear even to him but he was. »You don’t have to but you should think about it. And you should give Steve a bit credit here. I think he actually understand pretty well that you have changed and it’s not like he doesn’t already know who you used to be. He has those memories as well. «, Sam was right of course but that didn’t make it easier.

»I’ll think about it. « 

* * *

 

Steve was a bit worried about Bucky. His friend had been sneaking out at least once a week but never mentioned anything to Steve and Steve was afraid to ask. He trusted Bucky and he wanted Bucky to do the same.

It was another night for him where he lay awake, tossing and turning, while Bucky was away. He hadn’t checked, he hadn’t needed to, he just knew and…it scared him.

_What if he’s not coming back?_ It was a constant thought.

Bucky was getting better, he was becoming his own person again, not Bucky from before the war, not Bucky from during the war, not the Winter Soldier but something in between. A mixture of all he used to be and all he could be. He was quieter now, more in his own head; he always counted all the exits when they weren’t in the safety of their floor; he slept with a gun under his pillow and never left the Tower without at least one kind of weapon. But he also laughed again. The first time Steve had heard it, he had nearly cried because it had been the most wonderful sound in the world. He had a darker sense of humor but that was okay with Steve. But most importantly, Bucky let his guard down with Steve around. It was more than Steve could have ever hoped for. And now Bucky was gone. Again. And Steve was scared.  

  _The rattling sound of the train was the only thing in his head. The mild vibrations, lulling him, cold air rushing over his body. He managed to look up just in time to see Bucky, shield in his hand, walk towards the man in the metal suit. He wanted to shout out, wanted to warn him but no sound left his mouth. In slow – motion, he watched the blaster go off, watched Bucky raise the shield and - »Bucky! «._

_Bucky was hanging on the outside of the train, close, so close._

_»Hang on! Grab my hand! «_

_He was reaching out, reaching further and further, while the wind was tearing at his body, trying to drag him out of the train. A squeak, a loud crack. The world had stopped turning and Bucky was falling, falling, falling…_

 »Steve. Steve, wake up! «, a familiar, soft voice whispered into his ear while a gentle hand was cradling his head, »Steve. Stevie. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re safe. «

»B – Bucky? «, Steve let out a sob, blinking his tears away. Bucky was there, right there, sitting next him on the bed.

»Yeah, it’s me. I’ve got you. «

»Oh god. Oh god. «, Steve couldn’t help it, he surged forward and wrapped his arms around the brunette, he had to, had to make sure that it was really Bucky, that this wasn’t another dream.

»Shh. «, a firm metal hand, landed in his back, holding him while the other one, the hand out of flesh and blood, caressed the back his head.

Slowly, very slowly, Steve managed to calm his breathing, focusing solely on the feeling of the pair of strong arms holding him and for a moment he felt like he was back to being small, for a moment a could pretend like nothing had changed and they were still in their shitty, little apartment in Brooklyn where the walls were too thin and the heating never really worked.

»Can you stay? «, Steve muttered against Bucky’s neck, afraid that if he let go, he would fall back into the nightmare.

»Of course. «

They shifted, Buck never really letting go of Steve and Steve was grateful for that. He didn’t fall back asleep and neither did Bucky but that was okay because lying in each other’s arms made them both feel safe in a way they hadn’t felt in a long time.

The next morning, Steve got out of bed at his usual time to go for his run and came back to the smell of fresh coffee. Bucky stood on the balcony with his mug in one hand a cigarette in the other and Steve froze for a second because it looked so familiar, seeing the man with tousled hair, only dressed in a t – shirt and sweatpants, drinking coffee and smoking.

»Is that my shirt? «, he asked when he joined Bucky outside and the brunette just smiled into his mug and shrugged before his face suddenly grew serious.

»I lied to you, Steve. «, he suddenly announced.

»About what? «

»I – I remember quite a bit…from before the war, I think…It’s a bit blurry and things are mixed up but…I think I want to do another session today. «

Steve wanted to ask, w _hy didn’t you say anything?_ He wanted to say, _what exactly do you remember?_ He wanted to make sure if Bucky was alright. But he didn’t. Instead he smiled and replied, »Of course, Buck, Let’s have breakfast and then go and find Tony. «


	9. Let’s Go Back In Time And See The Way Thing’s Really Used To Be

They were all back in the B.A.R.F. room. Or rather, Barnes was in the B.A.R.F. room and the rest of them was behind the glass panel, watching him while he put of the head set again. There had been a few sessions during the time he had been here but today, Barnes seemed nervous again. He had said he wanted to try to go through his earlier memories, so maybe that was why.

»Alright Robocop, just start with whatever memory you remember best and then go from there. Doesn’t have to be in the right order. It’s always possible that one memory triggers another so just…let it flow. «, he instructed, earning himself a glare from the ex – assassin who now sat back on the chair and closed his eyes.

Several images flashed through the room. Scenes from the war, no doubt.

A Street during winter.

Two girls laughing and waving at him.

A room that looked like a dormitory.

Little Steve sitting on a chair, a bruise on his face.

Peggy, wearing a red a dress, laughing.

It was whirlwind of colors and voices without focus or pattern until Barnes seemed to manage to concentrate on one particular memory.

Steve and Barnes were lying in bed. The same bed. Tony frowned at the image but refrained from commenting on it, who knew, maybe it was a pre – war thing…what he could not stay silent about was the fact how ridiculously _small_ Steve was.

»Really Cap, how the hell did you stay on the ground on a windy day? «, he asked. He heard Clint chuckle but Steve didn’t even look at him, just grumbled »Shut up, Tony. « before going back to ignoring him. They watched as both boys, young men really, got up, Tony guessed that they were about 18 and 19, and went into the living room – kitchen – area, tip toing around a sofa with sleeping woman on it. Probably Steve’s mother, he guessed. It was impressive to watch the two of them move around each other. He had seen it on the train but even before that they were so in tune with each other, that every move looked like a carefully learned choreography. They made breakfast, or rather Steve made breakfast while also making sure that Barnes stayed away from the stove; Tony wondered what the story behind that was. Barnes himself made coffee and set the table. They didn’t talk, it seemed like they didn’t have to because they already knew what the other was thinking. Tony sneaked a glance Steve who was utterly silent, staring at the scene before him and Tony realized that the blonde must know exactly what it was they were watching. When Steve had finished with breakfast, both he and Barnes walked back to the sofa where the woman was still peacefully sleeping, completely oblivious to the boys in from of her.

»Hey mum, «, Steve whispered gently and pressed a kiss to her forehead, »Wake up. «

»Stevie? «, the woman muttered, blinking lazily.

»Happy birthday, mum. «, Steve was grinning from ear to ear now and his mum looked at him with a mixture of confusion and affection.

»Happy birthday, Sarah. «, Barnes offered her a mug of coffee, smiling just as brightly as Steve.

»Thanks boys. You didn’t have to - «, Sarah Rogers began but Steve cut her off, »No but we wanted to. «

»Steve made breakfast. «, Barnes quickly added, »Don’t worry, I didn’t do it. «, for some reason that got a laugh out of everybody and the three settled down at the table to eat. It seemed like a comfortable silence between them only occasionally interrupted by a cough from Steve which caused the other two to eye him with great concern.

»Thank you, this was wonderful. «, Sarah exclaimed when they had finished. She wasn’t old but Tony could see the first strands of grey in her hair and the dark circles under her eyes.

»Good, ‘cause we’re not finished yet. «, Steve announced and began to clean up the table, completely ignoring the questioning look in his mother’s eyes.

»It’s a surprise. «, Barnes informed her, »You just make sure that you are your usual gorgeous self and we’ll take care of the rest. « and…wow…Tony had read all about the lady’s man Bucky Barnes, the one that could charm any woman with just one smile but he hadn’t believed it until now. This Barnes…this Bucky…he was truly something, the way he smiled at Sarah, slightly crooked and mischievous making her blush.

»Buck, stop flirting with my mum. «, they heard Steve calling out from where he was washing the dishes and Bucky…Bucky winked at Sarah who shook her head in affectionate exasperation before getting up to get ready. Bucky leaned back in his chair and cradled the mug of coffee in his hands, grinning at Steve who was now leaning against the kitchen counter, obviously trying not to smile back, »You are the worst. «, Steve told him and Bucky only grinned wider, »Didn’t hear ya complainin’ last week when I got us into the movies for free, punk. «, he countered

.»Jerk. «

_Huh…who’d have thought that Steve actually knew bad words…_

The scene changed slightly and the three of them were in a park. It was clearly summer, the sun was shining down on them and Bucky had rolled up his sleeves which earned him a lot of giggles and hungry looks from by passing girls. He ignored them all. Instead he had one arm thrown around Steve’s shoulders and the other around Sarah’s hips, telling a story that made both of them laugh except Barnes didn’t seem to remember what he had said.

Next, they sat in a diner, ordering burgers and milkshakes and Sarah blushed when they told her that they’d been saving up for weeks for this, »We just wanted to do something nice for ya, mum. «, Steve said. »You’re always working and you deserve this. «

»Thank you, sweetheart. «, Sarah actually looked like she was about to cry and kissed Steve on the top of his head before doing the same to Bucky, »And thank _you_ , son. «, she muttered and – yep that were definitely tears glistening in Bucky’s eyes. _Interesting…_ Tony realized that maybe, he knew even less about the two Super – Soldiers than he had thought.

The memory faded and it was silent for a moment, safe for a sniffling sound coming from Steve who was openly crying. Tony couldn’t really blame him. That must have been shortly before his mother’s death and it looked like a day to remember. A happy day.

The next memory was dark and it took a moment for Tony to realize that that was because it was night. Bucky looked about the same age as before, dressed in dirty clothes, his hair a mess. Obviously, he was just coming from work. He was smoking a cigarette while he walked through the streets of New York until he entered the house they had seen in the memory before. It became obvious how tired he was, when it took him three tries to actually get the keys into the door before entering a dark apartment. Bucky dropped the key into a bowl by the door and began taking off his jacket while walking further into the apartment – and froze.

»Steve? «, a dark figure sat the table, not moving. Bucky switched on the lights and they saw Steve sitting with his back to Bucky and – was that a bottle of whisky? »Steve, what - «, Bucky rounded the table, obviously wanting to know what his friend was doing but stopped when he saw the blonde’s face and Tony drew in a sharp breath as well; Steve looked like shit. His eyes were red and swollen like he had been crying for hours and he was obviously drunk.

»She’s dead. «, the blonde said, his voice hollow.

Next to Tony, he could hear Sam’s voice low and rough, »How’d she die? «, he asked.

»Tuberculosis. «, Steve answered, »She was a nurse in the TB ward…I visited her every day, was with her when she died.. «, _holy crap…_ Tony didn’t been want to imagine how that must have been.

Barnes seemed like he was losing focus again.

They saw Peggy again; the Howling Commandos in a bar; Sarah lying in a hospital bed, clearly sick; Steve with bloody knuckles and a split lip; Steve with a black eye; Steve standing a bathroom, his ribs a landscape of purple bruises and nasty cuts; Steve lying in a bed, looking like death warmed over; Steve; Steve; Steve…

They saw Bucky, a young Bucky, maybe 5 or 6, sitting in what looked like a dining hall with a bunch of other boys, some younger but most older than him. The little boy was picking at a slice of bread, his eyes half closed, yawing before dropping the food back on the plate and carrying it towards the kitchen.

They saw Bucky walking through the city on his own, towards a school. He looked lost in thoughts and seemed surprised when someone called from behind his back, »Hey James! «, Bucky turned around to see two boys coming towards him and Tony wondered why they called him James. Apparently, it was the first day in school and Tony had to admit that Barnes had been pretty smart back then, unlike his two friends Henry and Paul who seemed like idiots.

During lunch break, there was some kind of commotion and naturally everyone gathered around to watch; Tony couldn’t blame them, he would do the same because really? Who didn’t love a little drama. Except the drama were two huge boys beating the crap out of a much, much smaller boy. _Holy mother of sin…is that Steve?_ If Steve had been small at the age of 18, he was positively tiny at the age of five, not that he seemed to care. One of the guys he was fighting was holding him up while the other beat him but that didn’t seem to stop Steve from struggling and literally spitting at the boy’s face that was hitting him and then everything happened very quickly; Bucky ran at the boy in front of Steve and tackled him to the ground before demanding of the other one to let Steve go.

»You okay? « Bucky asked tiny Steve who glared at the older boy, »I had it under control. «, he snapped and Tony was really impressed how such a small guy could have so much fight in him.

»I’m sure you did, «, Bucky answered and somehow, he managed to make it sound earnest like he honestly believed that, yes, of course Steve had had it under control. »I’m James. «

»Steve. «

 _And here ladies and gentlemen, you see the beginning of a beautiful friendship._  

* * *

 

After watching the first meeting between Steve and James, Sam began to understand what James had meant when he said that Steve was a little shit. Because he truly was. There was one memory after another in which Steve was fighting some bully and James had to carry him home to help him clean up. There were other things too. Steve seemed to have had a talent for getting himself into trouble, for example calling one of the neighbors an old hag because she was complaining about ‘those niggers’, or talking back to the priest at church after he had preached about the original sin and how women couldn’t be trusted, or convincing a 16 year – old Bucky to go to Coney Island with him and sneak on one of the rides even though Steve was too small and he had eaten three hot dogs. It was actually funny how the history books had gotten it all wrong. Sure, everyone knew about Steve Rogers and his best friend Bucky Barnes but they made it look like Steve had been some kind of angel and Bucky had started all he trouble when really, it was Steve that had started it and James that had followed him unconditionally and helped him out in the end.

James was about 7, sitting outside the orphanage, reading a book when Steve came up to him, »Stevie? What are you doing here? «, James asked and glanced around nervously. Steve shrugged, »You weren’t at the playground and I wanted to see you. «

»Yeah, sorry. «, James muttered, blushing lightly, »’m grounded. «

»What? Why? «

»I got into fight with Brown and Trenton. «, the brunette shrugged.

»Why? «, Steve pressed further.

»’Cause they were speakin’ ill about you. «, the way he said, made it sound like it was the most obvious think in the world and for James, it probably was. Steve opened his mouth to reply something but in that moment, a window opened and an old woman stuck her head out, shouting, »James Buchanan Barnes, what do you think you’re doing?! Get back inside! «, before slamming the window shut again and James blushed even more while Steve giggled, »Buchanan? «, he repeated.

»Shut up. «, James grumbled.

»Oh, I know! Can I call you Bucky? «, Steve asked full of excitement.

»No, you can’t. Shut up. «

»Okay, Bucky. «

»Steve. «

»Yes, Bucky? «

» _Steve_. «

» _Bucky_. «

The two boys stared at each other for a moment, it was a Serious Stare, an I’m – Not – Joking Stare, before they both broke out in hysterious laugher.

»Punk. «, the newly named Bucky muttered and gently shoved Steve to the side.

»Jerk. «

After that they watched several Steve’s in some stage of sickness and Bucky was always there to take care of him.

There was also the memory, James had told him about, the one where Steve had gotten into a fight and had had an asthma attack. Sam was impressed to see how an 11 – year – old boy could actually stay so calm when seeing his best friend not being able to breathe.

It was clearly night. Bucky was lying in his bed in the orphanage but he wasn’t asleep. Sam wondered wat he was waiting for. That question kind of answered itself when the door to the dormitory opened and someone came in to check on the boys, as soon as they were gone, James was out of his bed, tip – toeing towards the door and peeking outside. Everything seemed clear. Sam glanced at Steve and was a bit surprised to see the blonde frowning like he had no idea what he was watching. Bucky was walking down a flight of stairs now, skipping every other step, probably because they would have creaked, and turned into a dark corridor before stopping in front of a door. He looked to all sides before picking the lock and quickly sliding inside the room. It looked like a nurse’s office. Determined, Bucky strode over to a wooden cabinet which was locked as well but only took a couple of seconds to pick open and Sam began to wonder how many locks James had picked in his childhood and more importantly, why. Inside the cabinet was medicine and Sam grew even more confused but Bucky seemed to know exactly what he was doing because he quickly grabbed a few bottles and stuffed them into his pockets before closing the doors again and turning around. Next to Sam, Steve was now completely frozen, a horrible kind of realization dawning on his face and in the memory, Bucky froze too. A tall man with a wild scar across his face glared at the boy and the next thing they say was Bucky sitting in an office while a stern looking man with glasses and no hair was talking down on him, »This is the last straw, James. You cause us nothing but trouble and don’t even pretend you’re not sneaking out every night. Taking food from the kitchen and now this…I want you gone by tomorrow. If you’re not, I will call the police, I’m sure they’ll be happy to deal with you. «. Bucky was dismissed and Sam tried to imagine himself in his situation. He couldn’t. Bucky must have been 15 or 16 at that point and he just became homeless but he also didn’t seem to really care. It was with a kind of grim resolution, that he packed his bag, literally just one bag, and walked out of the orphanage without even looking back. Sam wondered where he was going.

»God, Bucky… «, Steve breathed out, one of his hands clasped over his mouth.

»What was he trying to take? «, Natasha asked.

»Proper medicine for me, «, the blonde whispered while they watched Bucky climb through the window into Steve’s room. »My ma couldn’t afford any and…Bucky was always nicking stuff from the corner stores, y’know…small stuff. An apple, some candy or a sandwich. It was the 30s and the middle of the Depression, people were losing their jobs and everyone was scared…I knew they’d thrown him out of the orphanage but he told never me why. «

The next morning, Bucky left without waking up Steve and Sam saw the pain in today’s Steve’s eyes. »I guess now I know. «, he finished although he seemed to be talking more to himself than the others.  

* * *

 

Clint had read about the Hoovervilles during the Depression, he’d seen documentaries and pictures but…this was worse.

Seeing a 16 – year – old Barnes standing in the middle of Central Park with nothing but a small bag and the clothes he was wearing and no place to go…it reminded Clint a lot of himself except that he had left the relative safety of his home to join the circus. Bucky hadn’t.

»Jared, this is my sister Jenna. «

»James. «

It was kind of endearing to watch Bucky talk about Steve. The way his eyes began to shine, the smile he didn’t even seem to realise he had. It made Clint wonder just how close the Captain and Barnes had become later on.

They watched Bucky struggle with his life at the Hooverville while also trying to hide it from Steve and his mum. It was sketchy, like Barnes didn’t remember a lot of that time but they did see that he talked a lot to the siblings, Jared and Jenna. Then, Bucky found Steve in another fight.

»Fucking hell, really Steve? Really? I leave you alone for five minutes…«, it was fairly obvious that Bucky was mostly concerned about his friend but apparently Steve couldn’t see that. He sounded annoyed, »I didn’t need your help, y’know…I had it covered. «

»Sure ya did. «

»I’m not a fucking child Buck. «, Steve snapped and Clint could hear Tony gasp at the swearword., »I can look after myself. «

»But that’s the thing Stevie, you _can’t_. Not when you get yourselves into fights every other day just to proof a point. «

»Fuck you, Barnes. «,

»My, my, Cap. Didn’t think you’d have it in you. «, Tony cackled and Steve ignored him while Bucky ran after the memory – Steve. »I’m just trying to keep you safe. «, he argued and Steve shook his head, »No. No you’re trying to tell me what to do. But you don’t get to do that, Bucky. Not when you’re lying to me. «,

»What? «,

»I _know_ , Bucky, I know that you’re keeping secrets and that’s fine, I guess. Just don’t be a hypocrite. « and then Steve walked away and they could see the hurt in Bucky’s eyes but he didn’t try to follow this time.

Back in Central Park, Bucky sat in the dark of the trees, clearly sulking, when Jared sat down next to him, offering him a bottle of whisky and the two started talking until two men stumbled out of the shadows and started making out right in front of them. To say that Clint was surprised would be an understatement. He might not have finished high school but he did know that homosexuality in that time was not something you openly advertised. Apparently, Bucky was thinking the same because he looked like he had just seen a ghost.

»You okay? You got a problem with that? «, Jared asked

»No? «, Bucky replied although it sounded more like a question itself than an answer, »It’s just…it’s illegal, isn’t it? «, he elaborated.

»Well, yeah. «, Jared answered and shrugged, »But it’s not like anyone in this shithole gives a damn. We’re scum remember? «

And then – and _then_ they were kissing and Bucky was making sounds that Clint had never needed to hear another man make. Especially not a HYDRA ex – assassin. The memory blurred out, whether because Barnes was censoring it or because of the alcohol, he didn’t know but Clint was kind of grateful that it did, however, they did hear Jared’s voice one last time before the scene changed again.

»You know, I might have a job for you. « Clint really didn’t like the sound of that.

 

With good reason as it turned out. Barnes never showed any actual details of what he did but it was clear nonetheless when they saw him kneeling in dark alleys or receiving money by old, fat men. _Well…at least I never had to do that._ He thought and looked around to see the other’s reactions to this new development. Natasha’s face was unreadable, no surprise there; Sam looked like he was in physical pain; Bruce had averted his eyes and Tony seemed outright speechless, which was certainly a first. He looked at Steve who seemed not surprised, »You knew? «, he asked because he just couldn’t help himself and Steve just nodded silently.

There were more scenes of Bucky with Jared until one night they were both drinking again and sharing a cigarette when Jared suggested Bucky could earn even more money if he went ‘all the way’.

»I ain’t letting nobody fuck me, J. «, Bucky told the older boy even though he was clearly drunk. Clint noted that he had seen him drunk in a lot of those memories.

»C’mon, James. I know you get off on it, the dirtiness of it…you’re a good whore, so act like one. « _Okay…that was harsh_. Bucky didn’t seem to have truly registered the insult but just slurred a »Fuck you. «, which Jared just used as a challenge and Clint watched in utter disgust while he tried to force himself on the much younger and much drunker man and he nearly cheered when Bucky managed to shove him off and run away.

They saw a few scenes where Bucky was at Steve’s place and Clint guessed that he had finally moved in there. He also saw how happy Steve was to have his best friend around at all times.

»It took him a month or so until he told me what had happened. Or rather I made him tell me. «, Steve muttered and now after everything they’d seen from Steve’s past, Clint could totally see that happen.

Bucky and Steve were out and Bucky was dancing with some girl even though he didn’t seem all that interested in her and soon made an excuse to leave with Steve. Outside, Bucky was cornered by one of his ‘clients’ and Clint would have loved to go in there and punch that asshole in the face to harassing a teenager.

»What. The Hell. Was that? «, Steve asked and they all saw Bucky blushing even though it was pretty dark in the memory.

»That was nothing, «, which, of course, Steve didn’t believe. They went home and what followed was one of the most heart breaking coming out conversations Clint had ever witnessed (he had witnessed exactly one, but that wasn’t the point).

They saw Sarah’s funeral again and then watched the landlord chew them out for being behind with the rent and demanding that they’d be gone by the end of the month, _fucking prick._

 »You can leave, y’know. There’s nothing left for you here. I’m gonna lose the flat, I know I will, so you should get out while you still can. «, Steve told the brunette and he sounded so tired, so worn out it almost hurt just hearing it.

»You’re wrong. First of all, _we_ are going to lose it. And then _we_ are going to deal with it. I ain’t going nowhere, Stevie. I promised your ma to look after you, so that’s what I’ll do. I’m with you till the end of the line, pal. «

 _Oh._

* * *

 

It wasn’t often that Natasha was surprised by something or someone but this, watching all these memories from James’ past…well, she couldn’t have seen all that coming.

They watched Bucky working at the docks, fleeting images of him and his coworkers covered in sweat in dirt. There were a few memories of Bucky going on dates with girls only to sneak into dark corners with some guy, and a few double dates with Steve which Steve obviously hated and then they saw Bucky getting home during one night with Steve waiting up for him, confronting Bucky about the ‘dames’ and Natasha had to suppress a smirk. That, she had seen coming. Steve, pre – serum Steve, wasn’t exactly subtle; on second thought, post – serum Steve wasn’t either.

She watched with great amusement as Steve slowly walked towards Bucky practically naked, giving him bedroom eyes if Natasha ever saw them and Bucky…well…Bucky looked like he was _thisclose_ to having a stroke.

»Holy motherfucking Jesus, «, Tony muttered under his breath, »Steve are you sure that’s you and not your evil twin?«

This time, it was more than just Steve that told Tony to shut up although Steve was by far the most embarrassed, his face and probably the rest of his body as well, bright red. It looked like nothing had actually happened that night but they had seen enough to guess what was still going to happen and true enough, there were various scenes of Steve and Bucky in more or less compromising positions, always in the safety of their apartment but Natasha guessed that it had still been risky.

It must have been winter, and Steve was sick again, lying on their mattress covered by all the blankets the two boys possessed and still shivering, his forehead was covered in sweat and he was coughing non – stop. They saw Bucky sitting by his boyfriend’s side, telling him jokes, making him laugh, reading to him, bringing him food and water and medicine. Always smiling, always cheerful. And then Steve fell asleep and Bucky’s face dropped while he stared at Steve’s face, eyes filled with fear and so much love, and sometimes, he cried.

»I nearly died that winter, « Steve explained, »I mean, I nearly died every winter but that one…it was especially hard. We had even less money and it was so cold and I just didn’t seem to get better.«

Evidently, Steve had gotten better because the next think they saw was Steve leaving the apartment to go to the store while Bucky was reading. When Steve came back, he was covered in dirt and blood and Bucky grew pale, »What the hell, Stevie? «, he cried out and jumped to his feet to rush to his boyfriend. The blonde looked truly horrible. His clothes were torn, his nose broken, his lip was split, he had a black eye and several cuts all over his body. It seemed like a miracle that he was still on his feet. »Jesus…I should get you to the hospital. «, Bucky muttered while half carrying the younger man out the door again and towards the bathroom.

»No hospital. «, Steve slurred, »’m fine. «

Natasha refrained from rolling her eyes. It was a typical Steve – thing to say, one he still did nowadays. In the memory, Bucky sighed and shook his head but not otherwise dignifying the statement with a reply, instead, he brought Steve into the bathroom and closed the door behind them before carefully stripping his clothes, exposing the true extend of the injuries. The brunette bit his lip, obviously trying not to speak. He stayed quiet all the way through making Steve sit down in the bathtub and gently cleaning off the blood and dirt but the raw emotions in his eyes made it clear what he was thinking. It almost seemed like _Bucky_ was the one in pain, and in a way Natasha supposed that he was. Steve was almost falling asleep in the bathtub now and Bucky helped him stand up and wrapped him up in a towel.

»I gotta cover up those cuts, okay baby? «, he whispered and Steve gave a weak nod; he hardly reacted when Bucky applied the bandages and by the time he was dressed in some oversized pajamas, Steve was quite literally snoring while Bucky held him up without effort. They watched Bucky carrying Steve back to the apartment and lying him down on the mattress, covering him with the quilt and a few blankets before settling down next to him. But Bucky didn’t sleep, instead he watched Steve with an incredibly soft impression and even though it was dark, Natasha could have sworn that she saw tears in Bucky’s eyes.

It was the next morning and Bucky was checking on the injuries, when he finally snapped.

»Steve, you can’t keep doing this. «, he said quietly without looking up from the colorful landscape that was Steve’s ribs, »I can’t watch you throw yourself into one fight after another without even caring what happens to you…Steve…fuck, Stevie…you could have died last night. «, this time there was no doubt, Bucky was crying and he didn’t even try to hide it.

»But I didn’t, Buck. I didn’t. You can stop worrying about me. «, Steve replied but Bucky just shook his head, »You don’t get it, do you? I’m _always_ gonna worry about your stupid ass. Always. I don’t know how to stop. I…I fucking love you, you idiot. «. It must have been the first time those words were said because both Steve and Bucky stilled in their movements and when Bucky looked up to meet Steve’s gaze, his eyes were wide and filled with fear while Steve looked surprised but also happy, »I love you too, jerk. «

»Language. « 

* * *

 

Watching the truly epic love story of Steve and Bucky unfold before their eyes made Tony feel all kind of things he hadn’t thought he’d even be able to feel. It was soft and sweet and heartbreaking and once or twice, Tony actually had had to swallow down his tears; like now, watching the two young men sit in front of a radio, listening to Roosevelt declaring war on Japan. He could see the fear in young Bucky’s eyes, the realization that from now on nothing would stay the same and the determination to protect Steve. Always protect Steve. That was something Tony had figured out early on, that the biggest motivation of those two was the other. Protecting them. Loving them. And Tony began to wonder if he had ever had a person like that in his life. Sure, Rhodey was his best friend and he would die for him and Pepper was…it was impossible to describe what Pepper was to him but it still didn’t compare to this. _This_ was more something more than love; a bone deep need, a codependence, an emotion that was down right dangerous because these two would burn down the world for each other. It made Tony ache for something he never had.

And then they saw Bucky sit alone in their apartment, a letter in his hand, his face a mask of stone. Tony distantly recognized the piece of paper as the drafting it was and there was something in the back of his mind that told him that this was wrong because surely Sergeant James Barnes had enlisted? Surely, he had joined the army on his own free will? But then he stopped and thought about – actually thought about it – and it made sense. Bucky would have never left his Steve alone unless he had had to.

»He never told me he’d been drafted, «, Steve’s voice cut through the silence, »I always thought…«, there was so much pain in the Captain’s face and suddenly it hit Tony what this meant…Barnes, the longest serving POW in history, forced to fight in a war he never wanted to be part of… _yeah, let’s not think about that too closely…_

There was fleeting image of Bucky and Steve in a small bar full of people and Steve and Bucky standing in the middle of the crowd, dancing and smiling at each other, it was a bit confusing and Tony really wanted to ask Steve what that was about, but he didn’t have to because the blonde was already speaking, his voice soft and his eyes glazed by the memory, »That was the last night before he went off to training. «, he explained, »Bucky said…he said he wanted to treat his best guy to something special…it was crazy. We’d never been to a place like that, a place where two fellas could dance and no one batted an eye at it. ‘t was still risky but it was worth it. «, and it seemed like that too because in the memory, both men looked so happy and relaxed and Tony had the feeling that he wouldn’t be seeing that again for some time.

Bucky was at the camp with other men, some of them just kids. They watched him talk and laugh but there was always this sadness in his eyes, a faraway look, a longing for home. They watched the brunette crawl through dust and climb up walls, they saw him doing push – ups and jumping jacks, the occasional brawl with another guy and then there was Bucky on a shooting range, hitting every target and everyone else staring at him with awe and jealousy and fear and although Bucky was smiling when the Colonel congratulated him for his promotion, it never reached his eyes.

Bucky was back in Brooklyn, at the docks with one of his coworkers and they were smoking and talking when they heard the tell – tale sounds of a fight and Tony had to physically restrain himself from laughing out loud because the look on Bucky’s face was the look of a man that was just _done_ with everything and everyone around him, it was a _here we go again_ face, a _one of these days I’m gonna kill him_ face. Except it wasn’t Steve.

»Jared? «, confusion and relieve lit up Bucky’s eyes while Tony tried to remember who Jared was, then he saw the guy’s face and he wished he didn’t know. Tony surprised himself a bit at how much disdain he felt fir the man lying on the floor, clearly in pain. He found himself wishing he died right then and there while Bucky was _helping_ him, helping the man that had tried to rape him…»I forgive you. «, Bucky was whispering. »I forgive you. «

And Tony wondered why he had done that, if he could have done that…forgive the people that had held him hostage, that had tortured him and hurt him. He didn’t think so. Forgiveness was a hard thing to do, a thing that required strength he didn’t have, it made him see Barnes in another light.

 _I forgive you._  

* * *

 

Sam was fighting back tears yet again when he saw Bucky sit in a dark apartment on his own, staring at a picture of himself with Steve and Sarah Rogers. Crying.

Sam didn’t know how he knew it, but he knew that this was the night before Bucky had shipped out.

»I want you to have it, «, Steve told him and then pulled out a golden pin, a four-leave clover, the same one they had seen before, after Steve had flown into the Arctic. »I also want you to have this. «

»What is it? «, Clint asked softly, voicing the question they’d all been asking themselves.

»It belonged to my mum’s family. She gave it to my dad when he went to war, it’s a sign of faith and love and luck…«, his voice trailed off and no one spoke for a long while.

»So you got a reason to come back to me. «, young Steve said with tears in his eyes.

»I’ll always come back to you, Stevie. I promise. «.

And miraculously, Bucky had indeed kept that promise.


	10. Wherever I Am, You’ll Always Be More Than Just A Memory

Steve was still lost in memories when Bucky gently pulled off the headset and immediately turned to meet Steve’s eyes. His face was impossible to read but he looked calm and collected and Steve thought it was probably safe to go in.

»I can’t go to the war…not right now. «, Bucky muttered and Steve nodded. He understood. »And you don’t have to. «

He was aware that the others were still there, watching them, but he didn’t really care. They’d already seen everything.

»You never said anything. «, Bucky eventually spoke again and Steve didn’t even have to ask what he meant, it was clear in his eyes. »I didn’t want you to feel like I was expecting anything, «, Steve shrugged, »Most important thing is that you’re here and that you’re getting better. «, _as long as you’re my friend I can live with everything else._ Bucky smiled up at him and for the first time since he had come back it wasn’t a sad smile. It was genuine and content and blinding.

One of his hands was fidgeting in his pockets and when he pulled it out and held it out to Steve, there was the shadow of well – known mischief in the blue of his eyes, »I promised I’d come back to ya, didn’t I? «, Bucky muttered and let something drop into Steve’s hand who didn’t dare look away from Bucky’s face but…he didn’t have to look. He knew what it was, had dreamed about it so many times even though it’s been decades since he’d last seen it.

»How? «, he breathed, finally looking down at the little, golden pin in his hand.

»They kept all my stuff. «, Bucky explained, »When I was in Siberia, I found a box with my name on it and there it was…everything I had on me when I fell. I…I didn’t really know what it was, just that it was important so I took it. «

Steve’s eyes were suspiciously wet once again, he was turning into a human waterfall at this point but he also didn’t care; over three years he hadn’t shed a tear…he had a lot of crying to catch up on. Without even realizing what he was doing, Steve moved forward and wrapped his arms around Bucky, pulling him into a tight embrace.

»I’m glad you’re here. «, his voice was hardly audible but he knew Bucky had heard him because he tightened his grip around Steve as if he never wanted to let him go again.

* * *

 

Seeing it all again, the person he once had been…it was strange. Strange in a way he couldn’t explain. It was like looking into a mirror and seeing another person staring back. That wasn’t him anymore but at the same time, it was. He remembered it now, the way he had felt back then; scared. Always so scared. Scared of losing his job, scared of losing the apartment, scared of not having enough money, the fights, the war. Scared of losing Steve.

It actually helped him understand why he had done what he had done. As the Soldier. Taking care of Steve, protecting him…it was an instinct that went deeper than HYDRA. Loving him was like breathing, it was impossible to stop and keep on living.

»Hey Buck, «, Steve spoke up one morning over a cup of coffee and fresh pancakes, »I was thinking…«

»Don’t hurt yourself, pal. «

»Shut up, «, Steve snapped but there was no bite behind his words, »I was thinking…I mean, obviously you don’t have to, I completely understand if you said no but - «

»Spit it out, Steve. «

»D’you wanna visit Peggy with me? «, Steve blurted out and Bucky blinked, he had not been expecting that. Bucky took a moment to take in Steve, the way he fidgeted with his hands, the way he swallowed nervously, the way his pulse point was beating just a little bit too fast. He was nervous – _why is he nervous?_ »You know what? Forget it…stupid idea. «, Steve backpedaled, standing up from the table and moving towards the sink, clearly taking Bucky’s silence as a no…except it wasn’t.

»Steve, wait, «, Steve froze, half – standing, half – sitting, »Are you…Are you sure it’s a good idea? «, he asked, licking his lips.

»Why wouldn’t it be? «, Steve frowned at the ex – assassin who shrugged as a response, »I’m supposed be dead. «, he mumbled.

They hadn’t talked about that yet…how they were going to deal with the return of Sergeant James Barnes.

»I think she’d be happy to see you. «, Steve assured him, his eyes filled with hope and how could Bucky possibly say no to that?  

* * *

 

Steve was nervous when he went into Peggy’s room. He hadn’t visited her in a year and now he was bringing Bucky who was supposed to be dead…that was a valid reason to be nervous, he found.

»Steve, how nice of you to visit me again. «, her voice was chilly but there was amusement in her eyes and Steve found himself relaxing slightly.

»I’m sorry, Peg, but I swear I have a good explanation. «

»I’m listening. «

»Well…«, Steve had no idea how to say what he wanted to say and he was pretty sure that whatever he did say…well…it would come out all wrong. »Maybe you should just see for yourself…«, he muttered and went back to the door, motioning Bucky to come inside as well. Once the other man was standing in front of the bed, Peggy’s face went slack and all the colour seemed to vanish from her cheeks, »Impossible. «, she breathed out, eyes roaming over Bucky, »How - «

»It’s a long story. «, Steve offered and was immediately met by a pair of raised eyebrows.

»Explain. «, Peggy demanded so Steve did. In the end, it wasn’t really such a long story, especially since he spared Peggy all the gory details but it must have been bad enough because there were tears glistening in the woman’s eyes.

»I can’t believe it…after all this time. «, she was smiling brightly, her hands reaching out for Bucky who stepped forward almost timidly and placed his hands in Peggy’s, »You are a very lucky man, James Barnes. «

»I know. «

»I don’t think you do. «, she offered no further explanation and Steve was kind of grateful for that, not entirely sure what she would have said, »We never gave up, you know…on neither of you. Howard, the Commandos and I…we kept looking. I’m just so happy that we finally found both of you. It’s a changed world now…see that you make the most of it. «

They didn’t stay long after that. Peggy slept a lot and say what you will, but seeing an old friend you believed to be dead for decades, was actually quite tiring, so they said their goodbyes but just as they were about to leave the room, Peggy called out once more, »Oh and Barnes, «, she winked, »Make sure to look after him. God knows what he’ll get up to otherwise. «. Steve rolled his eyes but Bucky just chuckled and replied, » I think not even God knows that. « 

* * *

 

Seeing Peggy again had actually been nice. Really nice. Knowing that she had led a good live, with a loving husband…it made him feel a bit better even though he knew what had become of S.H.I.E.L.D. because that hadn’t been Peggy’s fault. What she had built had been good and then HYDRA had come along and destroyed it, like they destroyed everything. Not that it mattered anymore; HYDRA was gone. Dead. They had a real chance here. _He_ had a real chance here. And still…there was something Steve wasn’t telling him. Ever since they had left Peggy the other man had been…distant. Lost in thought.

»You gonna tell me what’s wrong? «, he asked after he just couldn’t take it any longer.

»Nothing, «, Steve answered a little bit too quick. He must have noticed it too, judging by the grimace he pulled, »Just…something Peggy said. «, Steve made a vague movement with his hand like that would explain it. It didn’t. But Bucky didn’t ask again; if Steve wanted to tell him, he would, there was no pint pressuring him. So instead he asked something else. Something that had been bugging him for some time now, »Have you ever thought about therapy? «.

Next to him, Steve tensed, »Why? «, he pressed out and Bucky decided to choose his next words carefully, »I know you’re not coping as well as you always say you are...and that’s alright. It’s not my place to tell you what to do but…maybe think about it? You can talk to me or Sam or Bruce or anyone really…and if you don’t wanna talk, then write it down, hell…draw it…just…you’re keeping all that stuff in and Steve…it ain’t good. You’re having worse nightmares than me, for fuck’s sake, and don’t even try to pretend you’re not ‘cause I _know_. «, he let out a sigh, »I guess what I’m trying to say is…it’s okay accept help. «

Bucky was sure that the matter would be closed with that. He was sure that Steve would just ignore it and move on. He hadn’t expected Steve to take deep breath and actually start talking, »Sometimes…«, he started and then faltered before trying again, »I guess, sometimes I forget, y’know…that I’m still a person. «, his hands were picking at the hem of his shirt, »After…after you fell, «, he gulped, »After you fell, Steve Rogers died. I was just Captain America, ‘cause I had to be and I was Captain America for so long…I forgot how to be me and…everyone else did too. When I woke up…I wasn’t Steve Rogers anymore and there was no one who noticed or cared so…everyone just expected me to be okay. «

»You’re not okay, are you? «, Bucky asked quietly, his eyes fixed on the blonde. They were so close, sitting together on the sofa but not quite touching.

»No. «, Steve looked up, his face for once completely unguarded, a broken look in his eyes, »Not really. «.

It wasn’t news. Not to Bucky. He had known since the first time he had actually remembered Steve, that Steve had suffered just as much and he just couldn’t understand how no one else seemed to see it. How no one seemed to be able to see behind his act of Captain fucking America because…that wasn’t Steve. That was just a mask he put on. A flashing image to hide behind. Still…actually hearing Steve admit to it…it hurt…and Bucky was overcome with the urge to wrap himself around his friend and shower him with kisses and soft words but he didn’t. Couldn’t. They still hadn’t talked about that. About them, if there even still was a them after all this time. So, Bucky did the next best thing and gently manhandled Steve to lie down and place his head in Bucky’s lap for once and Steve went willingly, silently grateful for the touch. The comfort.

They woke up a few hours later to the sound of Tony Stark’s laugher and Clint’s voice declaring that Stark was idiot; when they saw the two Super Soldiers on the sofa, they both stopped in their tracks and at least had the decency to look a little ashamed while they walked to the kitchen to get something to eat. 

* * *

 

Bucky’s words had lit a fire in Steve’s mind.

When Bucky had fallen, a part of Steve had fallen with him off that train and Steve had known that he would never be the same again. Now that Bucky was back, it was slowly getting better, the darkness seemed a little bit brighter and the cold a little bit warmer but Bucky was right to say that the nightmares were still the same. Night after night, he watched Bucky die. Night after night he went back to the war. Night after night he saw the faces of the people he’d lost so many years ago.

_It’s okay to accept help._

Steve sat alone in the dim light of his living room. He didn’t know where Bucky had gone, hadn’t really listened, too preoccupied with his own thoughts. He stared at the empty sketchbook on the table, he hadn’t picket up a pencil in years, too scared of what would happen if he did, but now…It began with a tentative stroke, barely visible on the paper, but it was enough to open the floodgates in his mind and it all started pouring out.

Bucky as a child, furious and righteous, coming to his rescue.

His mom, tired and skinny and beautiful.

Eric Brown and Gilly Trenton, big and mean and threatening.

The apartment he had lived in with his mum, small but cozy with the ever – broken clock on the wall that always pretended it was five to twelve.

Bucky, older this time, his head thrown back and laughing.

Bucky and his mum sitting at the kitchen table.

Bucky sitting on the fire escape, a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth.

Little Dora in her new dress and her teethy smile.

Bucky’s and his apartment, too mall and too cold, with thin walls and no real bed.

Mrs. Kieton’s cat climbing through their window.

The street they had lived on, dusty and dirty.

The Stark ExPo with the two girls whose names he didn't even remember anymore.

Dr, Erksine with his worn – down clothes and his glasses.

Peggy in all her young beauty and grace.

The machine that had made him into what he was today.

The USO girls, dancing and singing.

Bucky stripped to an examination table in a HYDRA factory in Austria.

The Red Skull.

Arnim Zola.

A pub in London with the Howling Commandos sitting at a table, getting drunk and swapping stories.

Bucky sitting alone at the bar, nursing a drink.

Bucky lying in bed, naked and only covered by a thin sheet, looking beautiful and peaceful.

Scenes of the war; explosions, dead soldiers covering the ground, building and villages going up in flames.

Dum Dum with his stupid bowler.

Bucky lying on the ground, rifle in hand.

A wasteland in Europe drenched in blood of young man fighting for their lives and countries.

The train.

The Valkyrie. 

* * *

 

Clint had convinced Bucky to go out with him and somehow, they had ended up in a bar with Natasha, Tony, Bruce and Sam and now it was three in the fucking morning and they were stumbling through the streets of New York towards the Tower. Bucky felt a little bit bad because Steve hadn’t been there but when he had asked, the blonde had just shrugged and not really given an answer so Bucky had let it drop and decided to go alone instead.

He was worried about Steve. Ever since their conversation a few days ago, Steve had been even more withdrawn than usual and he had refused to talk about it and there was no point in pushing. _Stubborn punk, doesn’t know what’s good for him._

They had just arrived and Clint was contemplating loudly whether he wanted to eat a sandwich or pizza when JARVIS’ voice dragged Bucky out of his own thoughts, »I believe it would be good for Sergeant Barnes to immediately return to his floor and tend to Captain Rogers. «, the AI informed them all and Bucky felt his blood run cold.

»Is Steve okay? «, he asked, his voice a little bit louder than strictly necessary.

»The Captain is unharmed. «, JARVIS answered, doing nothing to calm down the sick feeling in Bucky’s stomach, »Doesn’t answer the fucking question. Is he okay? «

»I believe not, sir. «.

And that was it. Four words had been enough to tear down the little self – restrain Bucky had had and he rushed through the Tower, knocking over a few pieces of furniture on his way. He didn’t even bother with the elevator, it was too slow and he couldn’t stand standing still even if it would just be for a minute, he needed to move, needed to get to Steve _now_ or else…Bucky burst through the doors, dimly aware that the rest of the group wasn’t far behind, and took in the scene before his eyes.

Steve was sitting on the floor, surrounded by piles and piles of paper. Drawings. He stared with wide eyes at familiar scenes from the past that were spread out before him and Steve was right there in the middle of it all, his whole body shaking and he looked so small and fragile almost like he had before the serum, before Captain America, and Bucky realized that this was Steve Rogers as he really was, a man stronger than life, cracked and broken and put back together but in all the wrong ways and now he had finally broken again under the weight of it all.

»Jesus…Steve…Stevie, «, he hadn’t even realized that he had moved, he just found himself kneeling on the floor next to the man he loved because he still did. He still fucking did. »Stevie, baby, it’s okay. You’re okay. I’ve got ya. «, he muttered even though he wasn’t sure if Steve could even hear him. He collected the shivering mess of muscles in his arms and pressed it against his own body, breathing in the scent of sweat and tears while he ran his hand soothingly over Steve’s back. He heard hushed voices by the door and remembered that they had an audience but he didn’t want to let go of Steve, he would never do that again, so he just turned his head and glared at them all putting all his anger into his eyes, daring them to say something, anything, because he wouldn’t hesitate a second to protect Steve, his Steve, and they knew that. They fucking knew that.

Luckily, it didn’t come to that.

One by one, the crowd slowly backed away, back to the elevator and to another floor and Bucky had never been more happy, that he had disabled the cameras on their floor ages ago, feeling paranoid and creeped out by the thought of Stark or anyone else watching them. Spying on them.

»Steve. Hey, sweetheart, gonna need you to look at me for a second, huh? Come one, show me those pretty eyes. «, he pleaded, leaning back enough so he could be able to see Steve’s face. He was still stunning despite the tears and the red spots and the pain.

»Buck? «

»Yeah, Stevie, it’s me. I’m here. I’ve got you. Let’s get you to bed, okay? «, the serum had made Bucky stronger but even an enhanced Super Soldier had problems supporting the full weight of Steve Rogers but somehow he managed. He would clean up the next day, all that mattered now was to get Steve to sleep, wrapped up in all the blankets he could find and Bucky’s arms. 

* * *

 

When Steve woke up, he felt incredibly hot and exhausted like he would after a mission, except he hadn’t been on a mission…had he?

The weight of several blankets was resting on his body and he was pressed against a firm chest. Bucky’s chest.

Steve listened to the steady sound of Bucky’s breathing, a sound he would recognize anywhere. He had spent so many nights listening to it and after all this time, after everything that had happened, it was still the same. The same breathing. The same set of lungs.

The thought filled Steve with warmth and happiness and he felt safe here in Bucky’s arms.

And then he remembered.

Images of the previous night flashed through his mind and for one second, Steve thought he might get sick, his stomach clenching painfully. He had lost control. He wasn’t supposed to lose control.

Behind him, Bucky’s breath hitched ever so slightly and the rhythm of his heartbeat changed, a clear sign that the other man was waking up as well, burying his nose a little bit deeper into Steve’s neck. The blonde turned around and found himself nose to nose with Bucky who blinked lazily.

»Hi. «, Steve breathed out.

»Hi. «, came the soft response and even though they were both very much awake now, neither moved away. »How are you feeling? «

Steve shrugged, »Honestly? I’m not sure…kind of…empty. «, he confessed. He couldn’t explain it otherwise…it wasn’t a bad feeling exactly just…strange.

»You scared me yesterday, y’know…«, Bucky explained, »When I said you should let that stuff out, I didn’t exactly mean, give yourself an emotional breakdown in the middle of the night while you’re on your own. «, his voice was kind of teasing but Steve could see the concern in Bucky’s eyes.

»I’m sorry Buck - «

»No. No, it’s okay. You’re okay. «, the brunette cut him off, »Just…don’t do it again? «

»I won’t. Promise. «

Steve wondered if all those drawing were lying around outside or if Bucky had cleaned up the mess he’d made. He couldn’t quite remember since it was all a blur.

»Penny for your thoughts? «

Steve bit down on his lower lip, not sure whether he should voice the things that were going through his mind…he had been thinking about it for a while now, played with the idea, tried to get used to it…he was certain that Bucky would understand. Or at least he hoped so.

»When I woke up…people kept asking me to tell them something from the war, or from before. I never did. I didn’t want to think about it, I _couldn’t_ think about it…but now…I’m thinking…maybe I should…y’know…tell our story. «. Because he was so sick of reading about himself; assumptions and theories about his own life when it would be so easy to put a stop to it all. All he would have to do would be speak up and say what had really happened. »I just…«, Steve closed his eyes, no longer able to face the soft expression on Bucky’s face, »I don’t want to be Captain America anymore, «, he finally whispered, »I’m tired of fighting, Buck. I’m tired of being a soldier. I just…I just want to go home. «. _Home…what does that even mean?_

»Whatever you want, Stevie. «, Bucky replied, »I’ll be there with you. « And hearing that, those words, it was such a relief because this was _them_. Bucky and Steve against the rest of the world. »But first…«, the brunette continued, »I have my own story I still have to tell. «


	11. A Farewell To The Brave

He’d known for a long time that Steve wasn’t as alright as he always pretended to be but even Sam had been shocked to see his friend like that. Broken into a million pieces, torn apart by his past. He had only caught a short glimpse of the drawings but it had been enough. More than enough, really. He just hoped that Steve would finally accept help.

Bucky had said that he wanted to go back to the war; the last part of his story he hadn’t told yet, so here they were. He noticed that Steve was more restless than usual, his hands constantly fidgeting with his dog tags he was still wearing and he made a mental note to ask Steve about them afterwards. The war was over after all.

Bucky and a good hundred of other young men, some barely 18, were sitting on a ship on its way to England. The wind was blowing strongly and everyone was shivering, although Sam was sure that it wasn’t because of the cold. Bucky sat at the rail, his eyes fixed on the horizon and his hand wandering up to his chest where the pin was resting. It was impossible to guess what he was thinking but every time he obviously thought of Steve, the corners of his mouth curled into a smile but it eyes stayed sad and wistful and scared. Sam felt sorry for him.

»Timothy Dugan. Call me Dum Dum. «, a broad chested man with a mustache and a bowler offered his hand to Bucky who accepted it.

»James Barnes. «, Bucky introduced himself and gave Dum Dum a smile that was both cocky and charming.

»Nice to meet ya, Serg. See that ugly mug over there? That’s Terry. Next to him’s Thomas and the kid in the corner’s Timmy. «, Bucky gave a nod to the soldiers and froze when his eyes fell on Timmy. Sam couldn’t blame him. Timmy really was a kid. He looked like he wasn’t even growing a beard yet, his skin pale, brown eyes carrying a haunted look, his dirty blonde hair was sticking to his forehead and he was almost as small and skinny as Steve had been back then. »Come on. «, Dum Dum clapped Bucky on the shoulder, oblivious to the man’s reaction, »Let’s get you settled. «

They saw scenes of a camp. Tents and shacks ranked next to each other, men of all ages hurrying from A to B, trucks and tanks rolling by. It was dirty and chaotic and grey.

They saw Bucky and a few men sitting around a fire, drinking and smoking and talking.

They saw the soldiers eating dinner, poking fun at each other.

They saw Timmy sitting alone on his cot, silent tears running down his face and a letter in his hand.

»You alright, kid? «, Bucky asked and sat down next to Timmy who quickly raised his arm to wipe his eyes.

»Yes, sir. «, he pressed out.

»You miss your family? «, Bucky nodded at the letter and Timmy quickly folded it together and carefully placed it under his pillow, »It’s okay, y’know. Being scared, missing home. I know I do and I only just arrived. «

»It’s my mum…«, Timmy began to explain, eyes fixed on his hands, »She’s worried about me. My sister too and my brother. I'm afraid that they’ll send my brother here as well. He’s only 15 and even smaller than me. «

»They won’t. «, Bucky answered. There was conviction in his eyes and his voice was strong and it was enough to ease the tension in Timmy’s shoulders. »Now come on. Don’t wanna sit here all night on your own, do ya? «, Bucky lay one arm around Timmy’s shoulders and led him away from the cots towards a group of men sitting on the ground.

It had to be morning because everything seemed oddly quiet and there was almost no one around, while Bucky sat outside, writing on a sheet of paper and smoking a cigarette.

»Mornin’ Serg. «

Bucky looked up and spotted Dum Dum and Thomas walking towards him.

»Morning. «, Bucky muttered before turning back to his letter, frowning.

»Who’re ya writing? «, Dum Dum asked.

»Friend. «, Bucky answered without looking up but Sam could see him tensing, leaning forwards a little bit further as to protect the letter in his lap but when no further questions came, he continued writing.

»Where’re you from, anyway? «. Thomas asked after a while.

»Brooklyn. «

»City boy, then. I’m from Texas. «

»Alabama. «, Dum Dum offered even though no one had asked him before going on a rant about how he hated the food and how the coffee was crap. Bucky snorted and scribbled something down and Sam could see Steve smiling and he wondered if the blonde remembered the letter.

»Yo, Barnes! You writing your dame? «, all three men turned their heads and saw Terry and a few others coming closer, all smirking darkly.

»None of your business Trenton. «, Bucky shouted back.

»Aww, don’t be like that. Come on, tell us about your girl. «

Bucky looked at Terry for a very long moment and it seemed like he was seriously considering the demand but then his face grew dark and he answered with a simple but sharp, »No. «.

Then, several things happened at once. Terry rushed forward snatched the letter out of Bucky’s hand who immediately jumped to his feet but Terry was already out of reach, »Hey Stevie, «, the man intoned mockingly, »That your girl, huh? Stevie? «, he asked before reading again, »I hope you’re keeping out of trouble ‘cause otherwise I’d have to get back there and make you – my, my that’s naughty. And you miss her…now ain’t that - «, they found out what that ain’t because in that second Bucky’s fist connected with Terry’s jaw and Sam could definitely hear the cracking of bones and before the other soldier could react in any way, Bucky had already taken the letter back, »Fuck off, Trenton. «, he spat out. Terry Trenton glared at Bucky for a long moment before turning around and stalking away, his friends following close by.

»Gotta be careful with that one, Serg, he’s trouble. «, Dum Dum grumbled but seemed otherwise unfazed by what had just happened.

»I think I can handle him. «

»Never doubted that. Just don’t forget that you’re on the same side. «

»I won’t. «

It was dark, around ten men were sitting around a fire. Waiting.

»Tell us about your girl, Serg. Stevie, right? «, Thomas demanded.

»Yeah…Stephanie. «, Bucky answered, a sly smile on his lips, »Prettiest thing in all of New York. Best artist I’ve ever met but a mouth on her to put any sailor to shame. Smart too and a lot braver ‘an me. She’s a firecracker, that one is. Irish. «, the soldier took a drag from his cigarette that did nothing to hide the smile on his face and the softness in his eyes. He was missing Steve and although it was just a memory, Sam could almost feel the pain in his chest. He knew what it felt like to miss someone.

»Sounds like trouble, «, Dum Dum commented but he was smiling as well.

»Oh, she is…«, Bucky puffed out a laugh, »But worth it. «

The frontline. Sam shuddered at the all too familiar sounds of grenades and bombs, men shouting at each other, soldiers lying dead on the ground, young men screaming in pain. Bucky was in hiding, rifle ready in his hand but Sam could see that he was hesitating. _Is this his first battle?_ He wondered.

The first shot hit its target in the shoulder. The second in the thigh. Bucky wasn’t trying to kill, that much was obvious, however, the Germans very much were. They all watched in horror as little Timmy climbed out of the trench, hands clasped around his gun, his mouth open in an unheard battle cry, they saw as Bucky followed the movements with his eyes, they gasped when Timmy went down, a dark red spot growing on his back. Bucky stared at the young man, his eyes wide, before his entire face grew hard. Hateful.

His third shot hit its target directly between the eyes.

* * *

 

It was both fascinating and scary how Bucky turned from a reluctant young man, forced to fight a fight that wasn’t his, into a soldier who didn’t bat and eye at killing whoever got into his crosshair. And he did. Clint had to admit that Bucky had been good even back then; before Zola had captured him. Before he had become the Winter Soldier.

They all witnessed the changes Bucky went through, saw how his memories turned darker and darker as if someone was gradually dimming the lights. It was ugly and bloody and terrible, watching man after man die in the mud. Watching Bucky revenge every single death of his comrades. He got into more fights with Terry Tenton who continued making fun of Bucky’s “dame” and it was obvious that Steve hadn’t known about that because the frown on his face grew bigger and bigger.

»He told me he got into a fight over cigarettes. «, the Super Soldier muttered to no one in particular after they had watched Barnes break Trenton’s nose and getting caught by the Colonel. During the next memory, Trenton died, torn apart by a landmine. Clint couldn’t say that he felt sorry for him.

It was night but the fires burning spent enough light to see everything. For a moment Clint was a bit confused by the chaos until he spotted the Sergeant running down a hill, followed by a few men. They jumped into the safety of the trench and began shooting at the Germans chasing them. One by one they went down but there were too many and they were just a couple of soldiers, clearly at the end of their resources. From somewhere behind Buck they heard Dum Dum’s voice muttering, »God, I hate these guys. « before he joined Bucky and – Clint drew in a sharp breath. Something blue shot at the German’s out of nowhere, literally disintegrating them and Clint really couldn’t blame Bucky and his men for hesitating. It must have been a strange thing.

»What the hell was that? «

The soldiers climbed out of their hiding and stared in shock at the tank that came at them, big and alien and unlike any tank Clint had ever seen. HYDRA.

In the next memory, Bucky and a handful of other man were kept in a cell. It was dark and nobody spoke. Clint recognized the faces of the Howling Commandos, dirty and tired and he recognized Bucky even though he didn’t quite look like himself. The Sergeant was pale, his whole body shivering. His face had sunken in and Clint could see how his uniform seemed too big for him as if he had lost a lot of weight. He seemed weak.

»How’re ya holding up there, Serg? «, Dum Dum asked, crouching down on the hard floor in front of the younger man.

»Never better, «, Bucky replied and put on a smile that looked more like a pained grimace than anything else. His voice was thin.

»Just hang in there, kid. «, the older man muttered and took off his own jacket to put it around Bucky’s arms who suddenly began laughing. The others exchanged questioning and worried looks, obviously thinking that the Sergeant had lost his mind but Bucky just shook his head, the laugher dying on his lips, »Always used to be me to look after someone. Keep ‘em warm, make ‘em food. Always me. «, he explained.

»Stevie? «, Dum Dum asked with the ghost of a smile and Bucky smiled back, his eyes filled with unshed tears, »Yeah, «, he answered, »Stevie. «

There was work they had to do, building some kind of plane and even though it was all sketchy and incomplete, Clint couldn’t shake the feeling as if he knew what kind of plane that was. One look at Steve confirmed his suspicion. It was the Valkyrie. The plane that Steve had crashed into the ice.

»I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is 32557038. I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is 32557038. I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is 32557038. «, Bucky was babbling almost incoherently over and over and over again while he was strapped to the chair

 »Oh we know who you are. «, a voice with a strong accent said, chuckling lightly. The memory was hazy and they couldn’t really see the face, just the blurry outlines but Clint would have bet his bow that that was Zola. »You’re perfect. «

There was a scream. A scream of agony and the memory shifted into sharp focus, Bucky lying on the chair, a long needle sticking in his arm and two men standing next to him. Doctor Zola and Johann Schmidt.

»He is weak. «, Schmidt observed, his eyes full of disgust as he stared at Bucky.

»No. «, Zola replied, »He is getting strong. The procedure has already started. «, a wicked smile broke out on the scientist’s face while he leaned closer, looking Bucky directly in the eyes, »You are to be the new fist of HYDRA. « and Clint thought he might be sick as he recognized the words. Words that had been imprinted in Bucky’s brain. Words that would haunt him in his dreams, that would never let him go.

The scene faded once again and when Bucky opened his eyes he was reciting again, »I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is 32557038. I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is 32557038. I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is 32557038. «

»Bucky? «, Steve was hovering over the broken man on the chair, »Oh my god. «

They watched as Steve cut his friend, his boyfriend, loose and together they escaped from the factory.

It was bordering on a damn miracle how Bucky was able to balance over the chasm of fire when moments ago he hadn’t even been able to stand upright. They saw the fear in Bucky’s face when Steve jumped and Clint really couldn’t blame him because a regular person couldn’t have done that, but then again, Steve wasn’t a regular person. They ran out of the burning building into the night and Clint saw dead HYDRA agents lying on the ground and freed soldiers cheering and running for their lives.

They were in the woods, hundreds of men, tired and underfed and hurt but _alive_. And right in the middle of it was Steve. Captain America. Somehow he managed to tend to all the wounded soldiers, to talk to all the curious men, to give orders and reassurances and yet to never leave Bucky’s side and Bucky? Bucky was openly gaping at Steve, an unreadable mixture of feelings in his eyes but Clint also noticed how he relaxed ever so slightly every time Steve was near him. He didn’t even think that Bucky was conscious of it, it was just something that happened. Something that spoke of the bond between the two men, of the trust and the history between them.

What followed were flashes of the camp, of a crowd cheering for Steve and of Bucky watching the Captain from a distance.

»What is it with you and the Captain? «, Dum Dum asked. They were lying in the same tent and Bucky had his eyes closed but it was obvious that he wasn’t asleep.

»Huh? «

»You and Captain Rogers. «, Dum Dum clarified, »You know him or something? «

Bucky stared at Dum Dum for a long moment but Clint had the feeling like he wasn’t really seeing the man before his eyes but rather the little guy that he had left behind in New York, »I used to. «, Bucky grumbled and turned around once again, successfully ending the conversation.

There was Agent Carter too and Clint felt a pang of sympathy for Bucky. The way Steve looked at the woman…like she was the fucking sun and Steve’s world was turning just for her…it must have hurt like hell…it was the same way Steve had always looked at Bucky.

Then they were sitting in a pub and Clint dimly recognized it as what it was. The start of the Howling Commando. A night where history had been made.

»See? I told you. They’re all idiots. «, Bucky said while drinking whisky at the bar in a safe distance from the rest of the men.

»How about you? You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death? « Steve asked, but the way he said it…it just didn’t sound right. Like Steve was mocking himself, not quite believing in what he was saying, but Bucky didn’t seem to notice.

»Hell, no. «, he exclaimed, »That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. I'm following him. «, it sounded simple and as if it was the most obvious thing in the world even though they all knew by now that it was neither and Steve smiled gratefully, completely oblivious to the gravity of the other man’s words.

Clint stole a glance at Steve now, watching the familiar scene with an expression as if someone had shoved a lemon into his mouth. It became even worse when Peggy showed up, wearing a pretty red dress and only having eyes for Steve.

»Captain. «

»Agent Carter. «

Steve, present Steve, let out a heavy breath as he watched himself flirt openly with Peggy, not even noticing the way Bucky looked like someone had just stabbed him in the chest, laughing at his joke after Peggy had left and twisting the knife by suggesting that she might have a friend. _Idiot,_ Clint thought and couldn’t blame Bucky for leaving – no, running. He didn’t get particularly far though.

»Bucky! Bucky, wait! «

»Yes, Captain? «, Bucky snapped, his face hiding nothing. He was clearly hurt and angry and desperate, trying to bring distance between himself and Steve.

»Don’t call me that. Not you. « Steve looked just as hurt as Bucky and Clint could only shake his head at the two oblivious men and hoped that they had worked it out in the end.

* * *

 

It was almost predictable, Natasha found, the way Steve and Bucky had acted around each other and how they were staring now, like they were about to make out right there on the streets, that someone would catch on to them. That someone being Dum Dum and Gabe Jones who looked shocked and surprised while Bucky seemed to be having a minor heart attack and Steve was confused. In modern times, it would have been funny, back then though, Natasha knew, it could have been their death sentence.

There was a sudden break and Steve and Bucky were in a hotel room sitting on the bed and Bucky had one hand against Steve’s face while stared at the blonde. Sad, soft, sweet.

»You look so different. «, it was unnecessary observation but it still made Steve smile. They ended up in a tight embrace and Natasha could see Bucky breathing in, scenting Steve, and immediately recognized it as something that she had seen James do during the past few weeks and months. She had never understood it but she did now. Steve probably still smelled the same as he had when he’d been small and Bucky took comfort in that familiarity and found solace in the memory.

»I’m still me and I still love you. That’s never gonna change. «, Steve whispered. The whole scene tasted bittersweet and although Natasha still firmly believed that love was not for her, she could see that these two truly deserved it. Deserved to be happy together. Deserved to be free of worries and pain and fear except live didn’t work like that. She knew that and they knew it too.

The memory was followed by small ones, faint images flashing up in quick succession and the wrong order.

Bucky lying in the dirt, rifle ready in his hands.

Bucky lying in a tent, his nose buried in Steve’s hair.

Bucky and Steve standing in a room, dancing.

Bucky sitting at a table with the Commandos, Steve next to him, a coffee in his hand.

Suddenly, they saw Bucky slamming Dum Dum into a wall, his face twisted in anger and Natasha frowned. This Bucky almost looked like the Winter Soldier, but only almost, there was still life in his eyes and his actions were driven by emotions, not orders, but it was discomforting all the same and Dum Dum must have thought so too because he looked outright scared.

»You listen to me, _pal_ , I don’t know what you think you know but if you so much as breathe a word, I’m gonna make you regret it, you hear me? «, Bucky growled, his voice low and threatening and suddenly it made sense. This must have been the morning after the night in the pub and Bucky was protecting Steve. Not that Dum Dum looked like he was going to betray his friend because that’s what they were – and yes, Natasha had a very good understanding of friendship, she just reserved it for particular people.

»You’re a good man, Barnes. Good soldier. You saved my skin more than a couple of time and if it wasn’t for our American Wonder Boy, I wouldn’t be here. «, Dum Dum had just explained, a little bit calmer now that Bucky wasn’t looking like he was about to commit murder anymore. When the two men parted, Natasha could see the shift in Bucky’s features; the fury made way for a horrified, lost expression, his eyes wide and confused. It was obvious that he had had no idea what had been happening to him just that there had been _something_ happening. Natasha almost felt sorry for him.

Steve and Bucky were back in the hotel room and Steve was telling him how Peggy knew about them as well and Bucky pulled Steve in for a hug, comforting him. It seemed a bit awkward but that probably shouldn't really be a surprise since they were both still accustomed to Steve being small and skinny.

»God this so strange. «, Bucky chuckled and Steve agreed, »But hey, I guess now you’ll finally have to look up to me. «, the blonde added jokingly.

»Steve, I always looked up to you. « That was a truth that couldn’t be denied and Natasha began to wonder how no one had ever seen this earlier, what with the way Bucky always stared at Steve with pure adoration that was there even now after being a soldier, a prisoner, a science experiment and – Natasha’s thoughts halted and her eyes grew wide at the memory in front of her. W _ell, this explains a lot,_ she thought. She had always wondered why Steve never took off his dog tags, had even asked him once but he had never answered.

»Marry me? «

There were several gasps from the audience and Steve was obviously fighting back the tears, his hand clasped around the tags still hanging around his neck and Natasha smiled. It was all very sappy but also very perfect.

* * *

 

_Well, who’d’ve thought? Our Capsicle is a married man…_ Tony could hardly contain his glee. This was like Christmas and Easter and his fricking birthday all jammed together. Or it could have been. If there wasn’t still a war going on. In the memory, anyway.

They were in France or at least the street signs were all in French and it was the middle of winter, fields and meadows covered in snow, frozen lakes and muddy roads and the Howling Commandos were walking in the dim light of the setting sun through an abandoned village, shivering.

»Gotta turn in for the night, «, Steve informed his men, »There’s a farm house down the road, it looks empty and it’s safer than out here in the open. «

There was no reply but even Tony could see the relief in the faces of the soldiers, he wondered how long they had been marching. The farmhouse was, indeed, empty. Most of the windows were smashed and there was a hole in the roof but apart from that it seemed to be in good condition, furniture still standing and the cupboards filled with food. The men did  quick work of boarding up the windows and starting a small fire right there in what once had been a living room before settling down on the floor and Steve began to study a map, »There’s not much around here. «, he muttered, »Perfect place for HYDRA to hide out. «

»We’ll search the area tomorrow, «, Bucky offered, »Now put the damn map down, you’ve got it memorized by now anyway. «

Steve glanced at him and there was a light blush emerging on his cheeks but he did as told and Tony saw the other Commandos watching them with curiosity.

»Tell us, Cap, how’d you and the Serg meet? «, one of the men, James Montgomery Falsworth, asked, his British accent thick in his voice and Tony saw both Dugan and Jones tense a bit at the question but no one else seemed to notice.

»I saved his scrawny little ass. «, Bucky answered while lightning a cigarette, his lips curled into a smirk, »Been doing it ever since. «

»Scrawny? «, Morita asked at the same time as Dernier said, »Little? «

Bucky laughed and Steve blushed again, deeper this time, dropping his eyes to the floor.

»He sure was. «, Bucky confirmed and Dum Dum let out a snort, »I don’t buy it. «, which made Bucky grin even wider before reaching into his jacket and pulling out the photo of him, Steve and Sarah. He looked at it for a moment, a sad expression fleeting over his face and then offered it to the men who took it with puzzled expressions.

»How the hell is this even possible? «

They all turned to Steve and Bucky raised his eyebrows in question, showing that he would very much liked to know that as well and Steve answered, his eyes were mostly fixed on the sniper next to him like he was fearing his reaction, »Remember the night before you shipped out? «, Steve asked carefully.

»Sure. «, Bucky nodded, »We went to the StarkExpo and you left me alone with the girls to try your luck at the enlistment office. Again. «

»Right. Well, there was this man, doctor Erksine, he was a German scientist who invented a Serum that could…change people. The same Serum that made Schmidt into what he is now. He offered me a chance and I took it. «, Steve shrugged like there was nothing else to the story and the soldiers around him appeared to be from confused to impressed. All except Barnes, who looked angry. Outraged.

»Are you trying to tell me, «, he began, his voice dangerously low, »That you let a German scientist experiment on you because he “gave you a chance”? «

»Buck, it’s not – that is - «, Steve stammered but Bucky was already interrupting him, »Oh nonononono, you’re not going to talk your way out of this one, Rogers. «, he shook his head vehemently, »What the _fuck_ were you thinking? You could have _died_! Or you could have turned out like Schmidt! «

»But I didn’t, «, Steve argued, »I’m fine. I’m better than fine. «, he sounded almost desperate now. Desperate for Barnes to understand, »Buck…we both know I wouldn’t have survived that winter. «, he added, his voice suddenly shy and Bucky let out a deep breath.

»You’re an idiot. «

The rest of the Commandos had watched their exchange with rapid interest and slight amusement and Tony could totally understand them. He was feeling the same way.

»It’s true, «, present Steve suddenly whispered, »It was a real cold winter and I didn’t have much money…«, he sighed simultaneously with memory Steve who was now running a hand over his face, »I’m not gonna apologize for what I did, Buck. It was my decision and it saved your life. «

Bucky looked like he wanted to reply something to that but bit his tongue, probably aware of the fact that they were being watched by five men and that this was a conversation to better have in private, »This isn’t over yet. «, he muttered instead, giving Steve a sharp look.

They continued talking about other stuff, getting to know each other, telling stories of the war and the home they had left behind.

»I got a wife waiting for me, « Morita said, his eyes filled with sadness and longing, »Annabel. Pretty thing, clever and kind and too good for this world. Took me years to work up the courage to ask her out but once I did we both knew we were perfect for each other even though her family didn’t agree. «

»I got a girl as well, Hannah, ain’t got a lot of brains but she’s one hell of a woman, «, Dugan smirked, »Never seen an ass like hers. «, he added and Bucky rolled his eyes.

»Didn’t you tell me about some dame called Rachel when we met? «, he asked and Dum Dum barked out a laugh, »Sure, there’s her too. «, he shrugged, »Not my fault if I’m so devastatingly handsome. «

»You call yourself handsome, I don’t wanna know what the competition looked like. «, Bucky teased and the others laughed. It all seemed relaxed, almost domestic and it was easy to forget that they were on enemy territory in the middle of a war. The others began to share stories of their sweethearts or their family until Falsworth turned to Steve, »What about you Cap? You got a gal back home? «

Steve shook his head, »You’ve seen the photo. ‘s not like the dames were lining up to dance with me. «, he kept his eyes fixed on the Brit but Tony could see how Bucky’s tried to hide a smile and apparently so could Dugan and Jones.

»Serg, why don’t you tell us more about your Stevie? «, Jones asked with a cocky grin and while the others perked up in interest, Steve paled visibly, his shoulders tense.

»Not much to tell, really, «, Bucky responded, his pose seeming deliberately relaxed, »Fierce thing with the heart of a lion and the prettiest eyes. I’d do anything to keep Stevie safe. «, at that, his eyes jumped towards Steve, just for the split of a second but it was there. »Anyway, I’ve got enough of your ugly mugs for one day. «, he announced and stood up, »Night boys. Cap. «.

Next, they saw Bucky lying on a bed wrapped into a thin blanket. All the ease he had shown earlier was gone, his face now dark with shadows and his eyes staring blindly at the wall. They heard tentative steps coming closer but Bucky didn’t turn around, not even when Steve slid into bed next to him and covered himself and the brunette with another blanket, wrapping his muscular arms around the other man and maybe Tony was imagining it, but the second Steve had pulled Bucky close, Bucky’s eyes appeared a little less empty and there was the ghost of a smile on his lips while he relaxed into the touch.

* * *

 

Traces in the snow. Deep red on white, staining the ground. Explosions and fire. Sam was all too familiar with the scene before his eyes, as they watched the Commandos storm the HYDRA base. It was a small one and once they were inside it looked almost easy how Bucky picked off the HYDRA agents one by one, his eyes never leaving Steve who moved through the enemy without effort, throwing his shield and dodging bullets left and right. It wasn’t even a fair fight but then again, nothing about war was ever fair. They blew up the building without any complications and returned to the farmhouse to celebrate their first victory.

The scene changed. It was still winter and the Commandos were hiking through the woods, cautiously look around for any possible threat.

Another change and they saw Bucky and Dugan arm wrestling in a bar while the others stood around them, cheering.

The Howling Commandos stood in front of Colonel Philips who was pacing up and down the room, ranting and throwing angry glares at the men who were barely containing their laugher.

Bucky was fighting against two men in black uniforms, HYDRA agents, and his face was filled with disgust and hatred.

It went on like that. Snippets of the war but even though it was just small glances it became apparent just how much Bucky had changed from the boy he had been back in Brooklyn and Sam suddenly realized that the Winter Soldier had existed long before Bucky had fallen off the train. This Bucky, the one in the memories, the one fighting the war, he was the Winter Soldier too, with the difference that he _remembered_. The things he did, he did out of his own free will, he did with the purpose of protecting Steve. Always Steve.

They were in Germany from what Sam could see. The snow was gone but it still seemed cold and they were in the middle of nowhere.

»Where’d you say the factory is? « Morita asked, breathing heavily.

»Near Berlin. «, Steve answered. He looked fit as ever while the others were panting and sweating.

»Well, fuck me, that’s miles away. «, Gabe muttered, »Why’d Stark have to drop us off so far from the grid? «

»Because this is Germany and you can’t just fly into Germany. «

»Well I’m not walking all the way to fucking Berlin. It’ll take us days. «, it was a bold statement but also a sign that the Commandos were more like a strange patch – work family than army.

»What do you suggest? «, Steve asked and he genuinely seemed like he wanted to know which was no surprise, really. What was a surprise was that Bucky was the one to answer, »Car. «, he grumbled without looking at Steve.

»Car? Where do you want to get a car from? «

Instead of giving a reply, Bucky simply pointed ahead where three trucks were standing by the side of the road, obviously military.

»Seriously? «, Steve asked, furrowing his eyebrows in doubt and Bucky shrugged, walking towards the cars, »How difficult can it be? «, he called out over his shoulder. As it turned out, not very difficult when you had a Frenchman with you who used to steal cars as a pastime. They all watched and listened intently while Dernier explained which cables were important for what and soon enough the seven soldiers had crammed themselves into the truck and drove towards Berlin.

Bucky lay flat on the ground, his eyes trained on the HYDRA base before him, much bigger than the other they had seen. The rest of the Commandos were not there but it looked like Bucky had a plan, his rifle aimed at something underneath. He pulled the trigger and all the lights went out and a second later, six men jumped the fence surrounding the area while Bucky was already shooting again. As always, his priority seemed to be Steve. Shot after shot, bullet after bullet, the enemy fell and it looked almost as smooth as in France until it wasn’t. There was an explosion. One of the tanks standing around went up in a ball of fire and Sam let out a small gasp when he saw Steve flying through the air. He wasn’t the only one. Bucky had frozen, his eyes growing wide with panic and it was obvious that it took him everything not to abandon his position right then and there to make sure Steve was okay. Once the fight was over though, he ran down the hill and towards Dugan who was carrying an unconscious Steve, »The fuck was that? «. he snapped at the taller man who was lying Steve down in the back of the truck.

»Relax, Serg. He’s okay. Just knocked out. «, Dum Dum replied, Bucky did not relax but he also didn’t come back with any insults he probably wanted to spew; instead he simply climbed into the truck and began checking Steve for injuries.

The soldiers were sitting around a fire with Steve lying on the ground and Bucky sitting closely next to him, looking anxious, almost scared. In the background, they could hear Dernier and Jones speaking in French while Dugan was watching Bucky watching Steve, his face unreadable. Falsworth, too, had his eyes fixed on the Sergeant, an unasked question in his eyes while Morita seemed oblivious to the whole scene. In the end, it was the Brit who spoke up, »You don’t have to hide from us, you know that right? «

Bucky went very still where he was seated on the floor before he turned towards Falsworth, »Hide what? «, he asked, sounding defensive, ready to fight. Jones and Dernier had stopped their conversation in favor of looking at Bucky as well, »You and Cap, « Dernier explained, »You’re together. «, it wasn’t a question but a statement and the way he said it, it sounded like the most obvious thing in the world and Sam supposed that it probably was.

»What makes you think that? «, Bucky all but snarled while he slowly moved to put himself between Steve and the rest of the Commandos.

»Hmm let’s see, «, Dugan made a humming sound as if he was thinking, »For months you talk about _Stevie_. Little Stevie. Sweet Stevie. Blonde and blue eyes Stevie. Then we go MIA and there’s this guy busting us out, first thing he asks? Where’s Sergeant Barnes. Makes a guy think, y’know…now, funny thing is, that guy’s called Steve. Steve’s blonde. Steve’s got blue eyes. Steve used to be small. Really, Serg, doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. And if it wasn’t that, the way you two are always in each other’s space, sharing beds and tents would have tipped us off. Or the way your hovering over him right now like an overprotective mama bear. «, Bucky had been growing more and more tense during Dugan’s speech and it seemed like he wasn’t quite sure whether he should fight or run but before he could make a decision, Dugan was speaking again, »I told you before, what you and he do together ain’t none of my business. We’re all friends here. We got a Jap and a Frog and a Negro and if there’re two queers with us…what the hell…there’s worse than two people in love. «

Bucky was staring at Dum Dum, his eyes narrowed.

»Gotta agree with Dum Dum, «, Jones added, »Although I have to say, I wasn’t really comfortable with it at first, I mean…you really don’t look the part. You’re men. Good men. ‘s all I care about. «

There was approving grumble and nodding heads and slowly, very slowly, Bucky relaxed, settling back into the place next to the Captain and the topic was dropped.

* * *

 

They were back in London, the same pub where it had all begun except this time they all sat around a table in dark corner, laughing loudly while Bucky was telling a story of him and Steve back in New York.

»- marched his dumb punk ass over there and square punched that asshole right in his face before I even knew what was happening. End of story was Steve in the dumpsters and me with a broken wrist and a bleeding nose. «

The men all laughed and Clint couldn’t help but chuckle along. He would never get tired og hearing about skinny Steve and his countless misadventures.

»Jesus Christ, Cap. Did you have any sense of self – preservation? «, Dum Dum asked, shaking his head.

»He’d had it coming. «. was Steve’s only comment which just sent the Commandos into another laughing fit. Bucky was grinning like a cat that got the cream but there was still something hollow, Clint noticed, something dark lurking behind his eyes. Every time they saw Bucky on his own, every time the others weren’t looking, it was like staring into an abyss. There were no charming smiles, no cockily raised eyebrows, no laugher. There was the image of a man, cracked and splintered, trying not to break. There was emptiness and darkness and desperation. Clint could see it clearly, could also see himself in Bucky, himself and all the others that had done terrible things and that had terrible thing done to them. It was a lonely place. But then Steve showed up and Bucky would smile again. Smile genuinely. The shadows around his eyes faded ever so slightly making way for blinding brightness while he lit up with adoration and love and happiness. It was beautiful and tragic how even in the middle of a war, these two seemed to have found peace in each other.

There were more missions. More HYDRA bases taken down and destroyed. More nights spent around crackling fire. The Commandos had been family, Clint realized. A family like the Avengers were one. They had taken care of each other, fought for each other, loved each other. He wondered if some of them were still alive.

It was Christmas, no doubt, the streets were covered with snow, creating an idyllic illusion of peace and Bucky stood in the middle of an expensive looking hotel room, looking nervous. The door opened and Clint could hear the clear voice of Peggy Carter, »Have a lovely evening, Steve. « and then Steve entered the room, wide eyed and confused, like a frightened animal which was funny considering his size. Clint sneaked a peak of Steve as he was today, standing a few feet away from him with a fond smile on his face, while Bucky – memory Bucky – took the Captains jacket and offered him a seat. They drank wine together and ate dinner, surrounded by the warmth of candle light and to anyone else it might have looked like a simple date except Clint, and undoubtfully the others too, could see the significance behind it. Seeing these two dancing and being happy together for just a moment made everything that was still going to happen so much more horrible.

There was a blurry memory of the Howling Commandos at a pub, drinking and talking and laughing before it faded into Steve and Bucky sitting on a bed together, smiling and crying, a drawing between them. A drawing of Steve and Bucky, old and healthy and happy with wedding bands on their hands and words written underneath.

_I’m with you till the end of the line._


	12. For Always And Ever Is Always For You

He remembered everything. It was all there, his past, all the things he used to be, all that he could have been.

Bucky could feel the eyes of everyone else resting on him while he stood on the balcony, smoking a cigarette and trying to decide what he should do next. He felt…good. As good as he would probably ever feel. His memories were back, giving him enough content for nightmares to last him a lifetime but he wouldn’t change it for the world because he _remembered_. For the first time in long time, Bucky knew exactly who he was. There were still things he had to do, things he had to talk about but for now he could content himself with this. Careful steps approached him from behind, steps he would have known anywhere, and he smiled when Steve stepped next to him.

»Everything I said back then, «, the blonde started after a long moment of silence, »It’s still true. « and Bucky didn’t have to look at him to know that Steve was blushing, »I still love you. «

»I know, «, Bucky answered because he did. He hadn’t been able to admit it to himself until now but he had known. »Steve…«, he took a deep breath. This was it. This would either be their happy ending or the moment he would lose everything he had left, »Steve what you gotta understand is…HYDRA didn’t do anything to me. Not really. The Winter Soldier…the Winter Soldier _is_ me, has always been me. I’ve always had this…this darkness inside of me. This anger. I never told you I’d been drafted ‘cause I wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted you to…I wanted you to need me, the way I needed you. And you came back all strong and healthy and I was so _scared_. I was so scared of losing you. «, he shook his head, taking another drag of the cigarette, »I knew they did something to me. HYDRA. I knew. After you got me out I felt like…like I was too much myself. Like I’d been turned inside out. Zola was right…the procedure had already started and I…I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know what was happening just that there was _something_. And…after I fell…all HYDRA needed to do was take you away from me. The second I heard you were dead, I gave up and then they took you away from me. The memory of you. Of us. And that was it. That was all they had to do. «, it was a confession that had been plaguing him for weeks. Months. It was a secret he wanted to keep but how could he, now that Steve was hoping…no. No he didn’t have the right to keep this from Steve. Not anymore.

»I don’t care Bucky. I. Don’t. Care. I have always and will always love you, no matter what and I’m not letting you go again. «, _stubborn punk,_ »I didn’t drive the plain into the ocean to save New York, y’know, «, he suddenly muttered, »I didn’t give a shit about that. All I could think was…was that I would finally see you again. « And at that Bucky turned his head because – because - »Bucky, «, Steve raised his hand slowly, giving Bucky plenty of time to back away, »Bucky, I _wanted_ to die. «. here were tears glistening in Steve’s eyes and he looked so heartbroken, so earnest and so scared, it made Bucky’s chest hurt because Steve didn’t deserve this pain. He covered Steve’s hand with his own, cold metal on warm flesh.

»We’re pretty fucked up, aren’t we? «, he whispered and Steve smiled a bit.

»Language «, Steve replied softly.

»For what it’s worth, «, Bucky began, »I love you too. «

* * *

 

Steve was happy. He actually couldn’t remember the last time had felt like this but it felt _good_ ; light and easy and promising. It had been three months now since Bucky’s last B.A.R.F. session, since Bucky had claimed the last of himself back, since Steve had started therapy, since he had dropped the shield for good. Steve was done being Captain America. He was done fighting a war that wasn’t his, there were others who could do that now while he and Bucky could concentrate on getting their lives back. It wasn’t an easy task. Thor had invited Bucky to Asgard where they had removed the triggers from his mind and Tony had started creating a new arm for Bucky, one that would be truly his own. The nightmares were still there; Steve didn’t think that they would ever truly go away. There were days when Steve couldn’t leave the bed because he was just so damn _tired_ , or when Bucky had panic attacks, rendering him silent, making him curl into himself, shivering. There were days when it all still felt like dream, like it had never happened at all. Surreal. But they were dealing and Steve was happy.

»It’s Bucky. «, Steve broke the silence and earned himself a puzzled look from Sam who had been engrossed in the book he’d been reading., so Steve elaborated, »Two years ago, you asked me what made me happy and I said I didn’t know. I do now. «

At that, Sam smiled brightly, »It’s good to see you like this, Steve, I mean it. We were all worried about you. «

»I know. «, Steve muttered, dropping his gaze, »I was actually thinking of publishing a book. The real story behind Captain America. I’ve got my drawings and Bucky and I can write it all down and Peggy said she’s got a box with all kinds of stuff from back then. Letters, photos, reports, you name it. «

»That’s a pretty big step Steve. «, Sam remined him.

»I know but…«, Steve sighed, »I guess I’m just tired of people getting it all wrong. They think they know me ‘cause they read about Captain America in school but that’s not me. Not anymore. And I putting it all out there would be my way to say good bye to that part of me. «

»Closure. «

»Yeah…closure. «

Peggy really hadn’t been lying when she had said that she had all sorts of stuff. A few days later, Steve and Bucky had slept in, they found two huge boxes standing in kitchen of the common floor and all the Avengers surrounding it.

»What the hell did you do, Cap? «, Tony asked as soon as they came in.

»Oh, Peggy must have sent that. It’s just old stuff. «

»Please can we open it? «, Clint begged, making his best puppy expression.

»Sure. «, Steve shrugged. It wasn’t like there’d be anything new in there, anything they didn’t already now about. The B.A.R.F sessions had made sure of that. So, while Steve and Bucky got coffee, the others were opening the packages and Tony let out a whistle, »What the hell is all this stuff? «, he asked and Steve moved closer, his curiosity finally winning over. Peggy had told him that a lot of his things had been donated to the museum and that she had mostly just kept the things that were private…well…private was a broad term, he guessed. There were clothes of him and Bucky and even some of his mum. There were a few books, mostly sketch books, files over files, photographs, films, and tons of letters. Bucky was standing right behind him, his chin resting on Steve’s shoulder while he looked down into the box, and barked out a laugh, reaching around Steve to pull out some of the clothes.

»I can’t believe she kept those. «, he murmured and Steve had to agree. It was ridiculous but also incredibly sweet. Carefully, he picked up the old suit, the one he had been wearing that last Christmas, it was spotless. The others started digging through the stuff while Steve’s eyes fell on the small wooded box on the ground. Bucky’s must have seen it too because he hugged Steve from behind and pressed a kiss to his ear shell. It was Sarah’s box. It was Sarah’s box and it still contained the same things as 80 ago. Steve furiously blinked away the tears in his eyes while he looked at the recipes and the books and the letters while Bucky picked up the photo album and ran his fingers over the engraved words just like the first time.

_Tread softly because you tread on my dreams._

»Er, Cap? «, Tony’s voice dragged him out of the memories of his mum and Steve raised his head only to be faced by a horrified Tony Stark who held up one of his old sketch books. Steve frowned, until it dawned on him what might have been in that book. His suspicions were confirmed when he took it from Tony and opened a random page. There, in the middle of the book was a drawing of Bucky. That, in itself, wasn’t the problem. He had drawn Bucky a lot back then. No, the problem was that Bucky was very much naked, lying on their mattress in Brooklyn and smiling seductively.

»Really Steve? Really? «, Bucky laughed when he saw the drawing while Steve was blushing furiously. The sketch book was full of naked or half naked Buckys, much to Bucky’s amusement and Steve’s embarrassment, »Well…at least you were never short on spank bank material. «, the brunette muttered but still loud enough that the others could hear him and although Steve very much liked to sink into the floor, he also couldn’t let this stand. _Fuck Captain America_ , »Didn’t need it though, «, he shot back, »I had you, didn’t I? «, which made Tony choke on air and Sam groan in exasperation, »You really are a little shit. «, his friend exclaimed, behind Steve, Bucky was laughing.

»Seriously, I don’t get how any of you can be surprised by that. «

And so it went on. There were more drawings, decent ones of the docks, the parks, the new Empire State Building, his mum, and many, many more. There were also photos, some of which Steve didn’t even know. There were the Howling Commandos sitting in a bar, drinking. There was Bucky, sitting on the floor and cleaning his rifle, not even noticing the camera that had been pointed at him. There was Dernier, holding four dead chickens in his hands. And then there were the letters. For some reason, the others had started to read them out loud. It was mostly letters between Steve and Bucky and some from or to Peggy, and Steve didn’t really mind exactly but it was still weird hearing the familiar words after so long.

* * *

 

_Happy Birthday, Baby,_

_This is probably not going to arrive on time but better late then never, right?_

_Remember when we used to climb on the roof top every year and I’d tell you that America was celebrating your birth? You were so mad when you found out the truth. It was kind of adorable._

_I really miss you. It’s lonely over here and I would give anything to be on a roof top with you right now, staring up at the sky and watching the fireworks. I’d put my arm around you to hold you close and keep you warm and I’d tell you how much I loved you and then I’d kiss you. It’d be a sweet kiss. The kind that makes promises and I promise you, baby, I’m coming back to you and we’ll have a good life together. Just the two of us, somewhere far, far away from the violence and cruelty of the world. We’ll be happy, you’ll see. We’ll have a house, a small house with a garden and the walls will be covered with your art. You’re a great artist, Stevie, you know that? The best one out there. You can make hell look like paradise because you always manage to see the good in things. It’s something I’ll never be able to do, not the way you can and it’s amazing and I love you for it. I love you for a lot of things. I don’t think I ever told you but you are the one single good thing in my life and I’m never gonna let you go and I’m never gonna stop loving you. I’d rather die before that happened. I’m not planning on dying, though, ‘cause I made you a promise and I promised to come home again so that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna fight for the both of us and I’m gonna win and I can’t wait you have you back in my arms. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me going._

_I hope you treated yourself to something special. I hope you got to see the fireworks. I hope you’re alright. I really do._

_I miss you so much,_

_Bucky_

 

It was the last letter. It was a letter that had never actually made it to Steve because Bucky hadn’t sent it. He had kept it though, as a reminder, a dream to fight for. Once Clint had stopped reading, everyone had fallen quiet, avoiding each other’s gaze and as much as Bucky wanted to, he couldn’t look at Steve. He couldn’t –

»Why did you never send it? «, Steve asked suddenly and Bucky shrugged, »Too much of a coward I guess. «, he muttered.

»Buck - «

»No Steve, it’s true, «, now, Bucky did raise his head to look at the blonde, »you’ve always been the braver one between the two of us. Always. You weren’t afraid to stand up for what you believed was right, while I just ended the fights ‘cause I was too afraid of losing you. ‘cause I hated seeing you hurt. You were the one to kiss me ‘cause you were done waiting for me, while I was too scared. You were the one walking from one enlistment office to the next, trying to join the army while I had gotten drafted. Steve, I would have never joined otherwise. You stormed a HYDRA base just to get my dump ass out of there, going against all orders and regulations, for one single man. «, Bucky shook his head, trying to find the words to express what he wanted to say, »Stevie…I never sent that letter ‘cause it terrified me. Keeping it, gave me something to hold on to. Something to hope for. I kept it ‘cause there was no way in hell that I could have kept those promises…not back then. « _I could now…_ he thought, _I would. If you let me, I would._

There was a storm of emotions in Steve’s eyes. Sadness and happiness and hope and so much love. There was a question there too, hidden but Bucky saw it nonetheless and it had always been Steve who had been brave and jumped head first into the unknown and maybe, just maybe, it was Bucky’s turn to be brave. All he had to do was jump.

_I wish we could be together. Really be together without fear. Without people judging us. I know it ain’t gonna happen but…I wish we could._

Words spoken a lifetime ago but Bucky remembered them like it had been yesterday and the thing was…the thing was they _could_. Here, in this century, they could. _It’s a brave new world,_ Sam had told him during one of the many late – night talks they had had and it was. It really was.

Completely ignoring the pointedly averted eyes and the shocked gasps from everyone around him, he fell down on one knee and took hold of Steve’s hand who was looking down on his with wide eyes, »I asked you before and you said yes but I’m gonna ask again. Stevie, you’re the best person I’ve ever had the fortune to meet. You never gave up on me even though everyone else had; even though I had. You are the most stubborn, most courageous, most stupid and most reckless punk I know and I love you. I love you so much and it’s a miracle that we’ve both made it this far so…do you, Steven Grand Rogers, want to marry me? «

Steve was smiling now, it was blinding and so, so beautiful and Bucky never wanted to forget that smile ever again, »I told you before, James Buchanan Barnes, I do. «. Steve hauled Bucky up, steadying him with his hands and pulled him in for a bruising kiss. »Jerk. «, he muttered against Bucky’s lips.

»Punk. «

And then they kissed again, melting against each other and it was everything like Bucky had remembered and so much better, that he didn’t even hear the cheers and whistles and catcalls from the rest. The Avengers. His family.


	13. And I Made This Sad World A Paradise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy ending as promised (it's super cheesy but they totally deserve it)
> 
> Also: Thank you everyone for leaving all those comments and Kudos...=)

»Honey, I’m home! «, Bucky exclaimed and let the door fall into its lock behind him while he peeled off the soaked jacked and toed off his shoes. His long, dark hair was dripping onto the carpet and he was grateful for the warmth in their apartment.

»Daddy! «

»Hello, sweetheart. «

A little, ten – year old girl with dark skin, dark eyes and dark hair came running towards him, throwing herself in his arms and Bucky picket her up effortlessly, swinging her around and pressing a kiss to her forehead, his husband was leaning against the doorframe to the kitchen and watched them with a soft mile on his face. The brunette set down his daughter and walked over to the blonde, »Hey, Stevie. «, he said and gave him a gentle kiss.

»Hey, Buck. You’re just in time for dinner. «

»Should probably get changed first. «, Bucky replied, gesturing to his wet clothes and Steve chuckled. The blonde led his daughter back into the kitchen while his husband went to the bedroom to put on some dry clothes.

Eight years. It had been eight years since Steve and Bucky had married and adopted their little girl. Peggy. Peggy Barnes – Rogers. They lived in Brooklyn now, in a small but cozy apartment with a balcony with loads of flowers and walls covered with Steve’s art. The Captain America shield was hanging there as well, a piece of history that had ended because Captain America was gone. Dead. Now, he was just Steve. Steve and Bucky and Peggy.

»That smells delicious, «, Bucky praised when he reemerged from the bedroom, now dressed in a pair of grey sweatpants and a black tank top, his wet hair in a messy bun.

»Tell that to Pegs, she did most of the work. «, Steve replied and Bucky immediately turned towards his daughter, »Did you, now? «, he asked and Peggy nodded proudly, »Well then, if that tastes half as good as it smells, you’ll be doing all the cooking from now on. «. Peggy giggled and climbed on her daddy’s lap while Steve put the vegetable lasagna on the plates and carried them over to the table.

It had been eight long years; exhausting and hard and painful but also soft and safe and good.

It had been eight long years filled with tears and nightmares, with laugher and smiles, with shouting and screaming, with kisses and hugs.

It had been eight long years but they had been worth it and the line was still going on and on and on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Find me on Tumblr =)](https://dreamworldvictim.tumblr.com/)


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